So, I had an experience last weekend to which other married men may be able to relate. You see, my sword brother @KeithDavidsen is moving home to New Jersey, and he had a going away party at one of the cougarest dives in Baltimore County. The place is basically a restaurant/bar that turns into a low-rent dance club after 10:30. I mean, LOW RENT. About 1/3 of the crowd was over 50, and the DJ only had one arm. THE DJ HAD ONE ARM!!!! Anyway, I used to dance. Not like Soul Train or Juilliard, but I can find the beat. I haven’t really needed to use those skills in recent years because, well, relationship. Even my wife said, “You don’t dance anymore ’cause you’re not trying to fuck these people. That’s why guys dance.” So, I do this goofy, old man 2-step, and everyone’s happy. Or so I thought.
This little thick white chick was dancing in my general vicinity. I didn’t look directly at her, ’cause I didn’t want to send the wrong message. I’m such a thick white chick magnet that my nickname should be Haagen Dazs. Anyway, I went about my business, doing my little goofy dance and turned my back to her. A song that I actually liked came on, and then I kinda really started dancing. And out of nowhere, this chick’s working her ass on my ass and she DROPPED it. DROPPED IT LOW. OH SHIT! WHAT DO I DO?!!!
Five years ago, I knew what to do. But I’m married now. I felt like a gunslinger who was no longer allowed to draw his sidearm. He’d made a promise, and so had I. Anyway, all I needed to care about was my reaction to the whole thing. I just kinda froze, while the chick kept going. I made a panicked face to my wife, who came over to me, grabbed me, and made out with me to mark her territory. And the girl backed off. Such an odd experience. Who am I now? I’m certainly not the suave dude up in the banner. No, that was 40 lbs ago. But I’ve still got it 😉
Recently, I made the sad realization that I really miss bad Austin Powers impressions. For a good 5 years, every douchebag had his own bad version of “Yeah, baby! Do I make you horny?!” Then, it all disappeared. I blame Beyonce, as Goldmember ruined the whole franchise. Still, there are days where I wouldn’t mind someone coming and yelling, “Shagadelic, baby! Yeah!”
Lately, I feel like my head is just a repository for obscure TV trivia. Like, have you noticed how no one ever mentions Private Benjamin anymore? People still love to throw around Bosom Buddies references (a show I’ve never seen), but nothing about Private Benjamin, even during discussions about women in the military. It was a movie starring Goldie Hawn, and a show that lasted 3 seasons! Then again, no one really talks about Goldie, especially since her daughter grew up to take all of her roles. Anyway, Judy Benjamin’s husband dies during sex on their wedding night, and it freaks her out so much that she joins the Army. And hilarity ensues! OK, it wasn’t really a great premise, but that’s all the more reason there should be memes and Tumblrs dedicated to it.
It was a big week for me guesting on stuff. First up, my most recent appearance on the UnderScoopFire! podcast has gone live, where I defend my What’s The Scoop? pop culture trivia title. That pic is a spoiler. And they hated it so much that they released another episode simply to bury it! Kidding, I know that’s not the case, but seriously, go listen to it before they release another episode.
Also, I was a guest again last night on The Kliqnation’s Comic Book Chronicles Live. We talked about a whole bunch of comics I hadn’t read, and I’m my usual curmudgeonly self. It was a lot of fun, and you can *see* me, so check it out!
Sponsor Update
Lots of new items were added to Will’s World of Wonder this week, so come check ’em out!
Hellboy 2 HB II The Golden Army 7.5″ Hellboy
From Mezco, this figure showcases Big Red as he appeared in his second movie, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.
Figure is used but in EXCELLENT shape. This is a heavy hunk of plastic! Does not come with any accessories.
http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/p/17553427/hellboy-2-hb-ii-the-golden
Marvel Legends Annihilus Series Hercules
Sure, Thor gets all the attention, but everyone knows that Hercules is the coolest mythological god in the Marvel Universe!
This figure is used, but in excellent shape. No accessories included.
http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/p/17552830/marvel-legends-annihilus-series-hercules
Transformers Generations Fall of Cybertron Voyager Class Soundwave w/Laserbeak
Everyone’s favorite classic Transformer is reimagined in a modern way. Still a music player, Soundwave now plays discs instead of tapes – Laserbeak disc is included. Soundwave is MIB.
http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/p/17553446/transformers-generations-fall-of-cybertron-voyager
Transformers Generation 1 Predacon Razorclaw
Transformers G1 goodness at a great price! As you can see in the pics, Razorclaw has some play wear, but he’s still fully transformable. No accessories are included.
http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/p/17553460/transformers-generation-1-predacon-razorclaw
Transformers Generation 1 Predacon Headstrong
Transformers G1 goodness at a great price! As you can see in the pics, Headstrong has some play wear, but he’s still fully transformable. No accessories are included.
http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/p/17553454/transformers-generation-1-predacon-headstrong
This Week’s Posts
Judging Bottles By Their Labels
Must Flee TV – The Future of Comedy on NBC
One revived a thought-dead movie property, while another returns to the air tonight in what might be the end of its run. One just found out it’ll spend another 2 years on the air, while the other just debuted with new cast members. Only one of them, however, had the West Week Ever.
Yesterday, the FX network announced the creation of FXX – their cable comedy channel that’ll be anchored by It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Not only that, but Sunny was also renewed for two more seasons. The little comedy engine that could will spend a decade on the air, and that’s a pretty incredible feat. I’ve said it before, but Sunny did the Show About Nothing, Starring Assholes SO much better than Seinfeld, though it doesn’t get the credit. The Seinfeld characters were really just selfish, while the Sunny folks are bad people. And it’s hilarious. Here’s to two more seasons, which is why the cast of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia had the West Week Ever.
I loved Private Benjamin– the TV series moreso than the movie. Problem was, I can barely remember any of it except for that it had Eileen Brennan from the movie, Lester Jenkins and Bosom Buddies’ very own Wendie Jo Sperber (RIP) in it! But that’s probably why people bring up Bosom Buddies a lot more often, even though it was just two seasons. Reminds me, you’re pre-booked for our Private Benjamin/Bosom Buddies retrospective podcast whenever we do one.
Ah, yes, the awkward moment of being hit on once you’re married. Heed my words, friend, that wedding ring is even more powerful than The One Ring in attracting all sorts of evil wraiths. Even if you don’t wear it, chicks can just smell the marriage on you (or that could just be good home cooking and cleaner clothes, I digress…). You did the right thing by deferring to Mrs. West, but yeah, accept the small victories of still having “it”. They fleet by the day.
Speaking of angry wives, payday means I get to go visit WillsWonders.com and make some purchases! \o/
Great news about Always Sunny. Caught up on Netflix the past month and it’s one of the funniest shows I’ve seen in a long time. I can’t enjoy Seinfeld reruns ever again knowing this exists. Wonder if they’ll do a sequel to “The Nightman Cometh”?
Classick Out! (I need a new catchphrase…)
Haagen Dasz. Absolutely hilarious. Laughed out loud at that.
I feel like the Ron Burgundy Impression snuffed out the Austin Powers, then died off, and will be back in full force in 9 months.
We’d never intentionally bury your performance on What’s The Scoop. Just had to get that Retaliation reaction pod out. Maybe the guy in the comments above me can challenge you for the title one day.
I went through an Austin Powers existential crisis the other day. I quoted a line from the first movie and nobody knew what the fuck I was referencing. Have we really reached that point already? What’s next, nobody’s gonna get my Wayne’s World quotes?