Wherein I Discuss Reality TV and Explain The “Retcon”

“I have a kindergarten crush on you.”

Gotta love MTV. It’s nothing if not educational. Over the last week, they’ve given the world “kindergarten crush” and “relationship vacation.” OK, for kindergarten crush, that line is only going to work if she’s drunk. And thinks you’re cute. And already wanted you before you opened your mouth. And is drunk/nice enough to pretend she didn’t hear you say something as lame as “kindergarten crush” while you’re trying to get her into bed. That’s a Dateline NBC special just waiting to happen. As for “relationship vacation”, don’t you have to come back from a vacation? Wouldn’t “relationship relocation” work better? Maybe “relationship hiatus”? TV shows go on hiatus all the time and never come back. I mean, “vacation” is misleading, as it also implies a relaxed state without worry. Can’t say I’ve experienced that…When you go on vacation and don’t come back, that’s called “moving”.

Could it be true? I don’t want to even hint at it, but did How I Met Your Mother just jump the shark? I mean, they telegraphed this all season, especially with the visible lack of a role for Robin, but I didn’t think it would manifest like this. I’m going to go against type and not spoil it, but this was one of those endings that played better in my head than on screen.

OK, I feel I should probably explain my last post, so that I don’t have to deal with a phone call from the one person reading this thing. Anyway, that post probably isn’t what you think. In the first episode of my favorite *dripping with sarcasm* TV show, Rock the Cradle, Lucy Walsh sang a really great arrangement of Don Henley’s “The Heart of the Matter”. Then, about 2 days later, I heard a similar version while I was in Bloomie’s. After some googlage, I found that it was by India Arie. Now, never in a million years did I think I’d gravitate to India Arie, but I’ve had that song on repeat for about the past 72 hrs. The second verse is worthless, as it follows the whole “the world is so full of stress, we’ve got to rise above it AKA Marvin Gaye’s ‘What’s Goin’ On'” sentimentality, but it’s the first verse and chorus that really resonate with me. I think everyone’s been there at some point, in some manner. In full disclosure, though, it’s not directed at anybody. Well, that’s not exactly true. It’s directed at me.

Allow me to explain in terminology that I find comforting. As many of you know, I read comics. Some might say I have an unhealthy addiction. Since I started working in the industry, it’s been a bittersweet affair. More bitter than sweet. In fact, it’s a lot like marrying your whore. Think about that for a bit.

Anyway, many comic characters have been around for decades, so it’s obvious that some of the history or backstory is going to get convoluted and contradictory over time. So, what do publishers do about this? They “retcon” the stuff they don’t need. Yep, you’re about to learn something: “retcon” is short for “retroactive continuity”. It’s basically a clean-up, deus ex machina, to get yourself out of a corner. You go back in the timeline of something, and remove any event or info that contradicts the current state of things. Did you ever see the original Batman (Michael Keaton movie? In that movie, Joker killed Batman’s parents. Now, did you also see Batman Begins (Christian Bale)? Who killed Batman’s parents there? Hint: it wasn’t the Joker. Why was this done? Well, first of all, Joker didn’t kill the parents in the original comic story, but also this was to make their new, revamped Batman timeline make sense. Retconning is an attempt to start over, from scratch. The problem, though, is that the retcon is a slap in the face of the idea that your current state is the sum of your experiences.

Now, you might say that it’s the dreaded “quarterlife crisis” talking, but I can honestly say that life hasn’t turned out quite like I’d wanted/expected. Tonight, on HIMYM, they were discussing that, when old friends/acquaintances are reunited, there’s always a winner and a loser. The winner is clearly better off than they were in the past, while the loser has either plateaued or is in an even sadder state than in the past. I heard this, laughed, and said, “That is so right.” Then, I paused, cocked my head for a minute, frowned, and muttered, “That is so right”. Yeah…

So, my problem right now is that I really, for the life of me, can’t figure out where I went wrong. I’m not trying to be a whiner, and if you check the archives, I haven’t really written a personal post for the better part of a year, unless you count my opinions on cable television as “personal”. I’ve really been trying to deal with this, but I can’t pinpoint that missed opportunity, that missed call, that misfire at greatness, at happiness. Sometimes you don’t recognize things when they’re right under your nose. Maybe that’s what happened. After all, I’ve never been one for subtlety. It just doesn’t work on me. You pretty much have to hit me with a dead cat to get me to realize something, so maybe I’m just not perceptive enough. Or maybe there’s a different explanation: maybe I retconned those events.

Maybe there were missed opportunities, lost chances, and I simply forced myself to erase them rather than deal with that outcome, or lack thereof. There are a lot of holes in my memory. While there’s a lot I remember, there’s also a lot I’ve forgotten. Sadly, a lot of that was deliberate. If there was some period or moment that I didn’t feel like “dealing with”, I sublimated it. You do that enough, and you’re walking the Earth like James Howlett (that goes out to you, J. Lamb!). So, clearly in life, as in comics, retconning is a short term fix, at best. Because when it all unravels, and it always does, you’ve got a mess on your hands. I think my retcons are catching up with me, and they’re going to get worse before they get better. That is, unless I change something. I’d like to think I’m learning from my experiences, but I’m just finding myself with more questions. Sure, that’s life. “It’s about the journey, not the destination”, but points of any journey get tedious. Food gets low. You get lost. Your feet start to hurt. Sometimes, it would be nice to just know a little bit more about that destination. I don’t need to know what it’s called or even what the weather’s like. Just tell me: do they have cable? (NOTE: I long for the days of yore, when my measure of success was whether or not a person had cable. Oh, to be 19 again!).

The problem with retconning is that you’ll eventually have to straighten everything out, and that’s more trouble than if you’d dealt with the issue when it first arose. It’s like deferring a student loan (don’t even get me started on that!). Let’s just say that’s it’s quite the struggle dealing with all of this at once. I don’t really like how it’s manifesting. “Quirky” and “off the wall” are now becoming bitter and cynical. I feel like I’m guest of honor at the Haters Ball. It’s even in this blog. I hate stooping to the “why do White people love the zoo?!” brand of humor. Sure, it’s good for a quick laugh, but it’s misleading. I write that, but it’s not my voice saying it. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m writing material for a 90’s episode of Comicview. I hate going for the “cheap laugh”. I’m about as Afrocentric as Wayne Brady in a Starbucks. So, if you know me, you’ll know that the joke just doesn’t connect. Plus, I’ve got to wonder what my White friends think when they read that. “Wow, is that really how Will feels about us?” No, it’s how I feel about one person who came into Toys “R” Us that day, and I generalized. Is it the right thing to do? No, but it’s what happened.

Anyway, I’m rambling at this point. I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of this rut. I can’t find the ending, though, before I find the beginning. And it’s the beginning that I’ve forgotten. I’d really like to leave, but I don’t remember how…