“Motherfucker loves Cheetos!”
Ok, Beautiful. I SO enjoyed your “pun-ishment”, but two can play that game. I see your puns, and I raise you….Jack Handey!
“If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.”
“I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.”
“I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know I’m using blanks.”
“Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, “WooHoo, we’re rich!” It turns out he meant something different.”
“Think about world peace; while you’re doing that I’ll be over here stealing your stuff.”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
“Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them.”
“If you’re robbing a bank and your pants fall down, i think it’s ok to laugh. and let the hostages laugh too. because, come on, life is funny.”
“When a child asks me, ‘why is it raining?’ I think it’s a good thing to say, ‘It’s because God is crying.’ And when that child asks me why God is crying, I think it’s another good thing to say, ‘Probably because of something you did.'”
