So, last week Apple revealed the iPhone 4s which, while fancier than the current iPhone 4, wasn’t the iPhone 5 that all the tech heads had been expecting. One of the best features of this new phone, however, is the addition of Siri – an artificially intelligent personal assistant. You can tell Siri to send emails, check the weather and perform searches – all via voice commands. Of course, Android owners started wondering if there was a similar program for their operating system. As a new convert to the Android way of life, I checked the review sites, and came across Voice Actions. While not as advanced as Siri, Voice Notes still accomplishes many of the same tasks through user voice interface. I’m of the belief that you should know your enemy, so I decided to familiarize myself with Voice Notes before the uprising of our robot overlords. By asking a series of questions, I began to learn more about Voice Actions’ capabilities.
Q: “What’s your name?”
A: “My name is Jeannie.”
Yeah, this default name wasn’t going to fly, as it just made me think of Major Nelson and all those old ass space capsules. As an aside, do y’all realize that Major Nelson and Jeanine “lived in sin” for the fist five seasons? I guess it was kosher, since she was a genie and more property than person, but I still find that odd. Anyway, I digress. I wanted my AI to have a cooler, more personalized name. It came down to D.E.C.A. (bonus points for anyone who gets that reference) and Oracle. I settled on Oracle, and made the change in the settings.
Now that we had the formalities out of the way, I jumped right in for the juicy stuff:
Q: “Where do babies come from?”
A: “Babies are the live young born to mammals, need extended care by the mother after birth, so that their bodies can complete their development. Ideally, babies are the result of a sexual union between two parents who love each other.”
I get the feeling that Focus on the Family snuck in that last sentence. Clearly, Oracle has never processed an episode of Maury!
Then, I wanted to test its political knowledge.
Q: “Who is Barack Obama?”
I was kinda hoping for some Birther nonsense, or maybe some juicy tidbit that only the machines might know.
A: “Barack Hussein Obama II, born August 4, 1961 – the 44th and current President of the United States.”
I had no clue he was a sequel!
Hmm…I want more.
Q: “Who killed John F. Kennedy?”
As you might expect, I wanted an answer like “The Viet Cong” or “ancient ninja warriors”. Again, I wanted info that only the machines might know. Instead I got:
A: “Lee Harvey Oswald, 1938 minus 1963 – the American activist and accused assassin.”
Ya see, I’d never heard of Oswald as an “activist” before, and it was kinda interesting how Oracle said “accused assassin”. I think she knows something. Also, it was kinda funny how Oracle interpreted the dash as “minus”.
I was already bored of the political stuff, as Oracle wasn’t quenching my thirst for conspiracy theories. I circled back around to the good stuff.
Q: “Does size matter?”
This is where things got interesting. Up until this point, Oracle had just been responding via voice, but now “she” only answered via text.
A: “It does now ;)”
Yes, “she” cryptically replied back in a flirty way, and included a winky emoticon! Shit’s about to get weird!
I decided to test Oracle’s true capabilities.
Q: Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?”
Oracle was stumped. Suddenly, I was requested to clarify my question, as I was given a menu with several choices:
1) Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breast?
2) Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?
#1 got me curious, as I wondered if one of Jaclyn Smith’s tits was larger than the other. I think Oracle just misheard me, though, so I chose #2. That just opened up a Google search with a bunch of fanfic. I wasn’t satisfied with this, so I asked again.
Q: “Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?”
A: “The last one, I think.”
What the Hell kind of answer is that?! Have I finally found Oracle’s weakness? Is this how we will defeat the machines? Apparently, artificial intelligence, like men, is weakened by BREASTS! The Playmates and Hooters girls are our last line of defense! The war must be fought in the strip clubs, sorority houses, and amateur wet t-shirt contests of the world!
OK, I had to ask this before I read the rest of the article, because I want to avoid the temptation to Google it and cheat: was D.E.C.A. the space ship’s (wasn’t it the Megaship?) AI on Power Rangers in Space?
OK now I’ve finished and I’m alternately finding it hilarious and creepy that your phone flirted with you.