“The following takes place between the hours of 7:00 PM and 8:00 PM”
I’m beginning to accept my love for Jack Bauer. No, I’m truly in love with the man.
I’ve realized that Jack Bauer could pretty much have sex with me, and by the fact that Jack can do no wrong, it wouldn’t even be “gay”. I’d probably be ruined for all others, but he would sneak up behind me with that gruff voice of his, and say, “My name is Jack Bauer, and I am a federal agent.” He’ll probably go on and on about a bomb, and some terrorists, and name some dude whose name can’t be pronounced without hocking up a little something.
He’ll point his gun at the back of my head, or at least, he’d tell me it’s a gun. And then he’ll force me to the ground. Before I know what’s was happening, he’ll have a knife shoved in my kneecap, as he prepares to cut off my pinky with bolt cutters. The whole time, he’s yelling and screaming, “Where is it?!! Tell me where it is!” And as you could imagine, that’s just getting me all hot! I mean, I am totally swept up in the hotness that is Jack by this point.
Maybe as he’s performing a full cavity search, he’ll see the yearning in my eyes. And then it’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong. But like I said, it wouldn’t be gay. I’d just be serving my country. When it’s all over, he’ll quickly roll off me to answer his cell, muttering something about, “Yessir, Mr. President.” That’s my Jackie, always thinking about work!
As I get up off the floor, readjusting my Dockers, I’ll be killed by a sniper who was actually gunning for Jack, but well, them’s the breaks for anyone who dares get involved with a federal agent. With my dying breath, I tell myself that I knew what I was getting myself into, and it was all worth it. Every last inch and minute of it. And as I close my eyes for the last time, I think, “I sure hope nobody thinks this was gay…’cause it wasn’t…for reals…”
