Women In Space: The Beer Goggle Effect Of Science Fiction

“Why am I successful? Because I’m a fucking daredevil!”

So, today we’re going to talk about a topic that’s been on my mind for the past few days: the women of science fiction.

Yes, it has come to my attention that the mouth-breathing, D&D-playing sci-fi fanboy stereotypes will accept ANYTHING as “hot”. What I mean is, any woman in science fiction is considered hot, whether she deserves the title or not. Now, I’m not sure if this is some form of “geek goggles” or simply the fact that these people are happy to be able to mix their 2 favorite interests: sci-fi and boobies they’ll never touch. Case in point: Marina Sirtis A.K.A. Counselor Troi on ST:TNG. For all accounts, she’s just a gypsy with a rack. And not some beautiful exotic woman. No, she’s a dime-a-dozen gypsy with a rack.

Or, while we’re on the topic of Star Trek, let’s look at DS9. I know a lot of guys who loved Dax (Jadzia, not Ezri). While Ezri was adorable, Jadzia was NOT. In all honesty, the pickin’s were slim in the Gamma Quandrant, seeing as how Rom bagged the only hot chick available. I mean, you either go for the militant war brat who looks like a boy, or you take the rather plain chick with the mole problem and the slug in her womb. But, sci-fi fans still found that hot.

Staying on the Star Trek theme, it just gets progressively worst. I mean, who’d have thought they’d have “butterfaces” in the 24th century, but Seven of Nine was certainly one of them. Jeri Ryan is NOT a pretty girl. For futher proof, look to “Boston Public”, “Shark”, or any cameo she’s done in the past few years. Sure, the body’s there, but the face was being put in on Tuesday (Man, I hope someone gets that reference…). Yet, the horny, nacho-munching fanboys still proclaimed her hotness.

Well, I’ve been perplexed by a few new entries into the genre. First off, there’s Claudia Black. Since the beginning of “Farscape”, I have heard and read how “hot” and “gorgeous” she was. She was a “butt-kicking beauty”. Well, I don’t see it. First off, I don’t even understand the appeal of “Farscape”. It’s “Muppets in Space”. And people wonder why it got cancelled. Now, she plays Vala on SG-1. I can say, loving her character, “she’s got a great personality”. I mean, she really brings life to that show after 10 seasons, but is she “hot”? I can give her “cute”, but that’s due to her mannerisms. I mean, let’s go to the viewers at home. This is what we’re talking about:

Kinda mannish, right? I mean, isn’t that the chick who works at the library? Not the hot one, the OTHER one. Yeah, her.

But then we’re given a picture like this one:

Body’s great, beautiful color. But I just can’t get over that face. So, you tell me: Is Claudia Black hot? ‘Cause I really can’t tell.

Which leads us to our next subject: Billie Piper. Now, many of you may not remember this, but back in ’98, our good friends across the pond saw the success that Britney Spears was having and they decided to make their own. The result? Billie. Yes, the one-monikered pop princess had it all, including the obligatory heavily tabloided relationship with Richie, from the boyband 5ive. The UK had their very own Britney & Justin. But all efforts to make her successful outside of England failed. You may have seen her one-hour special on UPN following one of the airings of that Spice Girls special they kept showing. Outside of that, no red, white and blue for Billie. Just like all pop relationships, Rich & Billie broke up amid controversy. She married a 40 yr-old (she was 18 at the time) and Richie was seen studying for the flight attendant’s exam following the breakup of 5ive. Fame is a cruel bitch. Billie’s marriage failed, but she bounced back as an actress, and her current gig is the revival of “Doctor Who”. Now, to most Americans who don’t watch PBS, they’re thinking “Dr. WHO?” No, that’s his name. Some bullshit about a phonebooth that does something and the main character changes his look every few years so they can hire new actors. Don’t ask me; I’m still trying to understand a lot of Monty Python, and can’t be bothered with more highbrow British stuff. I’ll take Eastenders anyday. But I digress…

Billie is The Doctor’s sidekick of sorts. Once again, the sci fi rags have named her some sort of science fiction babe. But I don’t think it’s because she’s hot. I think it’s because she’s the only chick in the show. It’s the same kind of “default factor” I was talking about with DS9. I mean, Exhibit A:

“Blimey! Lay off me fish & chips, luv!” That is not a hot girl. Even holding a gun (a lame ass piece, at that!), this is not an attractive woman. In fact, I think this is the bitch at CVS who keeps messing up my prescription. West Virginia Welfare Queen? Maybe. Sci Fi Babe of 2006? I think not.

I wish I had a better picture, like I did of Claudia, but all I could come up with was this:

Even glammed up, that was the best they could do. Why do I get the feeling that she’s wearing Jordache at this photo shoot?

So, what’s my message here? Fanboys, I need you to step away from the Everquest and stop working on your Battlestar Galactica costume. Listen up: I am one of you, but I am in sheep’s clothing. By attempting to be “normal”, I have learned things about the outside world. And one thing I’ve learned is that not all women in space are hot. Sure, there’s not much to compare them to, what with the aliens with the weird foreheads and the cyborgs walking around. But just because she’s got a rack, and she’s in space, it doesn’t make her hot. I need you to take a deep breath (through your nose; get your inhaler if you must), and just take a look out your window. Yes, you’re going to have to endure sunlight for this one. There are beautiful women out there, on Earth (!), and I need you to get to know them, even if from afar, so that you may develop more discerning tastes. Right now, you are blinded by the spandex and the cerebral implants. Look a woman in the eyes, and NOT her communicator, and you just might find your life changed. Thank you, and live long and prosper.