So, last night I was essentially present for the taping of an infomercial. No, there were no guys covered in question marks, nor were there any actual cameras. But it was an infomercial nonetheless. I’ve written before about how I’m a magnet for gay guys and pyramid schemes, and it seems that I have yet to shake that stench.
My mother’s been carrying around these 4 yr-old business cards of mine from the Last Call days. Whenever she starts bragging to some stranger, she pulls out one of these cards. Yet, never tells me. So, imagine my surprise when some dude calls me up, telling me he’d met my mom. I was thinking, “Oh God, he’s killed her and stuffed her in a trunk somewhere!” But no, it was only my second-worse fear, “Oh God, it’s another pyramid scheme!” I could’ve reached out with my telepathy and stabbed my mom in the eye for putting me in this position.
You see, I’d almost been duped recently. A guy came up to me in Barnes & Noble, commenting on my glasses. Now, I’m thinking, “Back off, Bryant Gumbel. I don’t swing that way.” But pretty soon he made it known that he wasn’t hitting on me, but there was “something about” me that made him think I’d be right for this company of his. Well, seeing as how I hate my job, and I’m a sucker for a rescue plan, I got suckered into a dialogue with this Barack Obama clone. I should’ve known better, but in the words of Chris Rock, “He spoke SO well!” He went on and on about his “company”, yet sidestepped what exactly it was that they did. Eventually, he revealed that they had found a way to bring merchandise to the consumers while bypassing the expensive measures of marketing, stores, etc. Why? “Because stores are ripping of the little guy”. If you ever find yourself listening to this statement, Surprise! You’re about to learn about a pyramid scheme. Well, with that guy, everything happened so fast. I said about 2 sentences, dripping with sarcasm and skepticism, but somehow he just knew that I had “IT”. I love these situations because it gives me a chance to just kinda be unbridled. I mean, I figure that I’m already a captive audience, but so are they. If I have to listen to their spiel, then they can suffer my sardonic wit. Well, I eventually tired of his game, and left him a voice-mail the morning that I was supposed to “meet with some of his investors.” Uh-huh, “investors”. I should’ve known something was up when he kept wearing the same suit. Saw the dude like 3 times, and it was the same outfit. I guess this was his Sucker-Sighting Suit. It worked the day he found me.
Well, back to my original story. My mom had given this other dude the whole, “My baby went to Cornell, but he’s not doing anything with his life” routine. To complete strangers. And people wonder why I’m in therapy. So, immediately, “Dennis” knew that he’d found a new sucker. Dennis called me right before Memorial Day, trying to set up a meeting. I humored him and pretended to write down his address and info, but knew that I had no intention of really meeting him. Memorial Day came, I missed the meeting, and I thought that would be it. But no, he had my number and my mom’s. So, he starts calling my mom, telling her, “William didn’t call me.” And she starts telling me, “Dennis said you didn’t call him.” Man, I could’ve Menendez’d her. Why are you helping this guy?! You’re supposed to be on my side. She kept telling me, “He seems like a nice young man. I think you’d enjoy talking to him.” The next thing I knew, he was trying to make appointments to dish his spiel out to her. “Oh, no! Now he really IS gonna kill her, just to pressure me into his cult!” I had to strike fast. I mean, this was her fault. If he got to her, she clearly deserved it. But I love her, and you don’t mess with a Black man’s momma!
I decided to meet with him and see what the fuss was about. I called him up yesterday, the day before he was to meet with her. He sounded happy and surprised. I thought to myself, “Haha, gotcha bitch!” He wanted me to come by his office last night at 7. A couple of people were coming over to a meeting and they were going to go over the business. But yet again, no real mention of what they do. Basically, it was an information meeting to let a few “candidates” know about their “firm” and to see if they’d be a “good fit”. Uh-huh, whatever. And this shindig was in Germantown. Now, if you’re not from Maryland, you won’t get this. But the only reason to go to Germantown is if you wanna get a White girl pregnant while her Daddy’s out washing the trailer. I’m not gonna be making my fortune from any “meeting” in Germantown.
I get into the place, which is actually an office building, but I kinda got the feeling that they took it over after the real employees had gone for the day. I say this because the doors were naturally locked, but they had a person on the inside to open them when they saw people coming. So, I get in, and I find out that this thing is sponsored by Primerica.
Let’s have a little backstory, shall we? Primerica is a financial services company that gained its clout by being a subsidiary of Citigroup. Oooooh….Citigroup. Its main thrust is that the insurance providers and banks are ripping off the little guy. There are programs to help the poor, and the rich don’t need help. But who’s looking out for the middle-class? Fear not, 2-story rambler owners; Primerica is here for you.
I wanted to turn around and leave, but One Tree Hill was a rerun and I really had nothing better to do. I was, however, still trying to get that Telepathic Mommy Eye-Stab (TMES) going. Not sure if it worked; I should probably call her. As I was reconsidering, they sicced this Jessica chick on me, who showed me to my seat. Oh man, she put me in the front row. This was not gonna end well for me or them. But I did learn my first lesson: If you own a Bluetooth earpiece and sell phones at the mall, YOU can be a millionaire.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a room with some many degenerates and high school dropouts. “Will, don’t be such a snob!” you’re probably saying. Look, when one of their most successful players comes dressed wearing a faded denim T-Mobile employee shirt – WITH a tie (!), you know you’re not exactly dealing with the Fortune 500. Clothes DO make the man. And if you’re “making 6 figures”, I kinda want you to look like you at least make 4.
The first chick started, but she wasn’t very polished. She kept mixing up “is” and “are”. I signed off after awhile. She kept trying to get me involved, directing rhetorical and non- questions to me. But I’d just look at her. I think I stole some of her confidence, ’cause she was bombing onstage. And she looked like a mannequin from Dress Barn. Kinda sad from someone who made $50,000 last year. Wow, 50 whole thousand dollars?! Why did you even get out of bed this morning? Why didn’t you send one of your many servants to speak to us? What an honor. Some hoodrat’s gonna teach me how to make $50,000 in one whole year! There must be sorcery involved!
The next guy comes up, and he’s really charismatic. It’s at this point that I start to understand the “cult” nature of the organization. I didn’t know if I was at a sales meeting or a storefront church. And those closest to me know I HATE storefront churches! But the dude was charismatic. But he did the thing that they ALL do, and I’ve come to loathe it: he drew out The Chart. The Chart shows you the four ways to make money: you can be A) an employee who works for someone else, so you don’t own your job and someone else decides your worth; B) self-employed, so you are your own employee and decide your self worth; C) you can be business owner, and create a model or system that generates income, granting you more income & autonomy, or D) you can be an investor and let other people work to make you money. And they always point out how C & D are where you want to be, yet A is probably where you are. At this point, those with a high school diploma begin to sport eyes the size of anime characters. It’s like someone just showed them the meaning of life. I pity these bastards. At that point, you can feel the shift in the room. Then, the guy starts zeroing in on the obvious: “Do you hate your job? Do you wish you made more money? Do you wish you could just sit back and watch the money roll in?” I mean, I guess I’ve gotta give these kids credit for trying to do this the legit way, rather than drugs and whanot, but drugs have a better return, just at a higher risk. You WILL make money in drugs, it’s just a question of how long you’ll enjoy it before getting arrested or killed. There is no money to be made from Primerica.
The dude started playing to people’s emotions. “Don’t you want what’s best for your family? People are ripping them off! Don’t you want to provide for your own future? Don’t you deserve better?” And then he played The Card. It’s been on the table for almost 5 years now, and I might sound a little Ann Coulter going here, but he played it and he shouldn’t have: the 9/11 card. He starts talking about how on 9/11 his little girls were in school, and he was trapped, at work, behind a desk, worried about where they might be. His cell phone wouldn’t work, and all he could think about were his little girls and how he wasn’t able to be there for them. That day, he decided that he didn’t want to be in that position again. He wanted to be his own boss, with his own “business”, so he’d have the autonomy to be there for his family. Boo-frickin’ hoo! NOBODY could get to their families. I wasn’t even here, and I know that. He wasn’t the only one who felt that way, but that’s life. We have to work. And Primerica ain’t gonna be there if there’s another attack. Chances are, he’d be in yet another meeting trying to con more fools as shit was going down.
After he finished, Old Guy came up, and his tactic was yelling. Not as charismatic, but he charmed the crowd with his broken English and GAUDY Primerica ring (They get rings once they break $100K). He spouted off how he was buying his daughter, whom he sends to Boston College (big whoop!), her dream Mercedes today. Funny, coming from a guy dressed like he’d rummaged through the donation bins at the Salvation Army. Also funny that “she couldn’t be here today”. I wondered if she’s busy, ashamed, or simply nonexistent.
Next, Old Guy tries to debunk the notion that it’s a pyramid scheme. Well, let’s see. They recruit you, and you recruit others. They make money off of your work, while you make money off of your recruits. That, when diagramed correctly, is a pyramid. Somehow, he made it a circle. But there’s no loop. It’s trickle-up, if that makes any sense. I saw the holes, but nobody else did. Now, for the money catch. He goes into how the state requires you to do this and that, learn this and that, etc. Points out that it would cost that average person $1,000 to start their own business, but Primerica could do it for you for $199. After you complete your training, they reimburse you. And wonder of all wonders, they even had scholarships, but they were going fast! So, make sure we met with someone today because they were only first-come, first serve.
At that point, I was done. I finally met Dennis and he asked me what I thought. I told him that all of my family’s retired, they didn’t plan for it, and they’re doing just fine. All of my friends are in debt, but they either have money coming their way or they’re dealers. So, I didn’t fit the mold of who they were looking for. Then, he was like, “Maybe your mom might know somebody” I was like, “Nope, all her friends are rich, white, and their money is well-taken care of.” Not to be a poor sport, I did play along. I told him I’d be interested in learning more about what they sell. I signed up for a Financial Needs Analysis, if only to get another blog entry about them. I’m not gonna disclose anything, but I really want to see these people in action. A cursory glance at the wikipedia entry and the accompanying links already debunk the company’s mission. But I’m bored and it’s been awhile since I’ve had an adventure. It’s no Drunk Marion Barry in Gay Bar, but I’m gonna ride this until the wheels fall off. Or until the SEC finally takes them down. It’s a shame, too, ’cause Dennis and his brother were actually nice guys. They’d make really great youth ministers. But they will never be rich from this thing. I kinda want to show them this, but A) they’d never believe ’cause What do I know? And B) it’d break their hearts. What I learned is that this is for gullible people whose hearts really are in the right place. The underlings don’t realize that they’re duping their customers with bogus rates, because said underlings have the most basic training available. They know next to nothing about the financial. They basically got tired of toiling away at Lincoln Tech, and they thought this would be their ticket to ride. It’s kinda sad how disillusioned they were. “Racktacular Jessica” (I call her that because her breasts were HUGE, and Dennis kept strategically placing her in front of me as if to think that would lure me into the fold) was a “team member” who made jewelry in her spare time. But she’s thinking about taking her Series-6. Oh, sweetie…didn’t you see Boiler Room? Why don’t you go strip somewhere. That’s where your fortune lies. You know nothing about the financial world.
Well, Dennis set up a meeting for Monday, and I’m left with an odd feeling: Is this how the Jim Jones thing started? I mean, I think they’re the fools for doing what they do, but I’m also the fool for playing into it. Hmmm….well, I guess we’ll know the answer if I turn up in South America with a cup of Kool-Aid in my hand…
