“Of course. I’m a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.”
What is it with weird people? They’re always like, “Don’t judge me! Who are you to judge me?” But you’re frickin’ weird! I’m weird, so I think I’m allowed to call it. But I can’t deal with people who wanna be all “eccentric”, but can’t take the scrutiny.
For example, the other day, I saw this guy riding his Segway to the elevator for the Metro. I couldn’t help but laugh inside. Motherfucker went out and bought a Segway, but he STILL has to rely on public transportation. Nice math there, numbnuts.
Anyway, he’s waiting for the elevator, on his Segway, but he’s facing forward in that “Hollywood-actor-hoping-fans-and-paparazzi-won’t-notice” kind of way. You could just see in his face that he was thinking, “Man, I hope I don’t have to deal with another fucker asking about this Segway.” Dude, if you can’t deal with the attention garnered by your “Sidewalk Chariot” (I’m applying for a trademark there, so don’t steal it!), then maybe you’re not READY for a Sidewalk Chariot.
It’s the epitome of “Be careful what you wish for.” You just know that once he got tenure at his prestigious job, he was flipping through a catalog and ran across a Segway. “Eureka,” he said. All smart people say “Eureka”. “This Segway will really stick it to Dr. Fleming in the Anthropology Department! I shall be the cock of the walk!” Well, look where it got ya. EVERYBODY’s staring, and it ain’t so nice being the cock now, is it?
So, my lesson is this: if you want to tattoo your face, or pierce your eyeball or have vulture wings surgically attached, you’d better be the cockiest, most confident son of a bitch I’ve ever seen. I once learned that you can get people to believe anything you say as long as it’s said with conviction. Same goes for actions. If I see a guy with surgically implanted wings, but he’s got this swagger that simply says, “I know all you motherfuckers want my wings”, I’m gonna want his wings. But if I see him sulking, with that look of “What was I thinking, going to Mexico for these wings?”, I’m simply gonna say, “That’s one dumb fool.” I can then judge you, because it’s on your face that you have already judged yourself. The verdict is in! Segway Dude sucked.
