“Tell ’em ‘Large Marge’ sent ya!”
I would like to congratulate Lance Armstrong…for making me feel like a complete and utter failure. C’mon, the dude had ball cancer! I’m sorry, that’s crass. He had “cancer of the balls”. And he STILL managed to come back and win 7 times. 7 TIMES! The only possible explanation is that Lance Armstrong hates me, and thoroughly wanted to piss on me.
It all started back in 1994. Sheryl Crow was MINE! I found her! She made it more than clear that all she wanted to do was have some fun. And next thing I know, here comes Armstrong, stealing my girl. And what does he do for an encore? He wins the frickin’ Tour De France 7 TIMES!
I just know Lance has something against me. Maybe he knows that I’m secretly a Greg LeMond fan. But this just proves it. Lance Armstrong’s mission in life is to make me feel like shit.
OK, Armstrong. You won. Isn’t it enough that you’ve taken over the world with your bracelets? EVERYONE has one. Everyday, I see thousands of little yellow reminders of how you’ve won and I have failed. I AM that yellow bracelet. But 7 times? I got the point back in 2001. You really didn’t have to go into overdrive.
I’m getting my shit together, Lance. I got the hint. But it’s hard for me to build up when you are just racing by to bring me down. I WILL survive. I’m gonna be a success. But you don’t have to show me the peak of human performance. I’ve got Batman for that. I’m not gonna let you keep me down, Man!
So, why don’t you and Sheryl go soak up some sun, and we can all get on with our lives. 7 times? God, Lance! Some people can be so petty…
