I know I vowed I was taking a break, but Hell, Cher’s Farewell Tour has been going on for 3 yrs, so I think I can get away with this. Conversation with Lip, Special Guest Star: Shelly.
The conversation started with Lip and I discussing the blossoming romance between Batman & Wonder Woman on “Justice League Unlimited”. Soon afterward, it simply spun out of control…
Me: ” still can’t believe that chick is a virgin. it’s just so wrong. someone should be tapping that, i don’t care if she WAS made out of clay”
Lip: “yeah…Superman should be all up in that. She’s the only woman who can handle the force of him blowing his load”
Me: “bah. nobody’s ever gonna let that go…stupid “Mallrats”… yet no one ever talks about Spidey…he’s got radioactive sperm. MJ can’t handle that”
Lip: “I don’t think his sperm is radioactive”
Me: “his blood is…or what about the Hulk? he’d rip betty banner apart upon orgasm… or Mr. Fantastic. he prolly let’s loose like a runaway firehose…poor betty banner… poor invisible woman…. and poor MJ”
Lip: “the Hulk would only do that if he was the Hulk at the time… not if he was Bruce Banner”
Me: “but, psychologically, there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain. i think, upon orgasm, he’d hulk out and rip her open”
Lip: “I don’t think so…he only Hulks out when he gets angry… and, unless he’s having some angry sex, I doubt that would happen”
Me: “you’ve never had angry sex?”
Lip: “not really… I’ve had intense, apartment-shaking sex, but never really angry sex”
Me: ” it’s a BIG possibility. i say he splits her like a log… and i take it you agreed with my mr. fantastic analysis?”
Lip: “yeah…Mr. Fantastic would be crazy in bed with a woman”
This is the point where I let Shelly in on the whole thing.
Me: “I’m having a conversation so weird even I’m ashamed of it. A friend and I are discussing superhero sex. Ever since that “Mallrats” conversation, everyone’s so wrapped up about Superman. Frankly, I think the Hulk would be a LOT worse. He’d hulk out and split Betty wide open.”
Shelly: “Wow…that’s an image that’s gonna haunt me for at least the next few minutes…”
Me: “LOL…glad to be of service”
Shelly: “Dude, totally Wolverine…”
Me: “Wolverine? Nah..underneath, he’s really a lover..”
Back to Lip, Me: “Shelly’s weighing in now. she thinks wolverine would be a terror in bed.. i told her i think he’s a lover underneath”
Lip: “Nah, he’d be all into S&M and shit…I mean…claws? regeneration? give me a break”
Me: “he’s a lover”
Lip: “bah, bs”
Me: “a taiwanese whore, he’d tear up. jean grey? it’d be sweet, sweet lovemaking”
Lip: “Nah…that would be one of those 3 hours sex sessions”
Me: “she’d be all in his head… that’d be a meta-orgasm… he’d probably have a stroke if not for the healing factor”
Lip: “and with his regeneration….he could go on FOREVER”
Is it just me, or did that come across as a REALLY weird segment of “Loveline”? Lip was totally Dr. Drew-ing all my ideas. The weirder it got, he somehow remained the scientific voice of reason…I’m a bigger dork than i ever realized. And I love that I have friends just as sick and twisted! I know this is gonna be the basis for a subpoena or something one day…
