Thrift Justice – I Don’t Want No Scrubs

Well, as we’ve covered before, I just can’t bring home everything I see. Sometimes this bothers me. At other times, I’m relieved. You see, I’m sometimes AMAZED by the lack of quality I see on shelves. Every now and then, I like to show you a few of those items, as we wonder what might’ve been.

Originally part of the G1 Transformers Pretenders line, this guy looks like Reginald Denny. It’s been 20 years, so I’m fairly sure I can make that joke now. Bonus points is you knew that name without resorting to Wikipedia!

This is another one of those supermarket toys we talked about last time. I actually kinda wanted this, though. It had a nice, shiny cockpit for two 3.75″ figures, and it’s almost like a bootleg Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors thing.

AAHHHHH!!!!!! Gott In Himmel!! They look like they were in the tub too long (or, for you comic folks, like they were drawn by Frank Quitely). Do they even have tubs in Heaven? Are these things FROM Heaven? Oh, Jesus! Who would pay $81 for these?!

Speaking of Jesus, what’s going on here? I’m pretty familiar with the Easter story, and I don’t remember the part where the Savior is crushed by a beam because the temple wasn’t up to code. Poor Jesus. He’s like, “Don’t mind me. Just got this beam on me. Yeah, no…can’t really help you with that pitcher of water over there.” I picture it like that old Will Ferrell/Rachel Dratch skit, where He’s probably really nice at first, but as people continue to ignore the beam, he’s all “My back, you bitch! MY BACK IS KILLING ME!” Yeah, I really need to get back to church…

OK, one more for the road. I actually kinda considered getting this one. If you must know, I was never allowed to have Biblical action figures growing up because they were idols or something. It wasn’t that deep, but I think it was something along those lines. We used to go to this Seventh Day Adventist store for dried apricots or something. No, we aren’t 7DA (is that a real abbreviation? Looks like a boyband from the UK), nor do I know why we went there for dried fruit. In any case, they always had these 3.75″ Jesus action figures, but my mom wouldn’t let me get one. She was probably right, because I really just wanted him so he could perform battlefield resurrections for my G.I. Joes. “Fear not, Flint. Today is not the day that you meet my Father!” Anyway, I wasn’t paying $15 for this! They don’t even come with spring-loaded missile launchers!

“Grandpa! Viacom’s on the phone! They say they wanna talk to you about our album! Maybe they wanna sign us!” No, they want to SUE you. What the fuck is this?! Talk about false advertising! There isn’t a Spongebob, or a Carly Shay, or even a pair of shorts being saluted here. If anything, this is some kinda of multigenerational CD released by the most boring white people who ever lived. And I’ll bet $20 that at least one of them is named Seamus.

Welp, that about does it for this round. Maybe next time I’ll show you something I actually bought. Or maybe we’ll talk about pop music. Ya never really know what you’re gonna get around here!