So You Wanna Be A Country Star?

“Tell me how I’m s’posed to breathe with no air”

So, you say you want to be a country star, eh? But you just can’t get that song out of your head and onto your guitar? Having trouble finding just the right words to get that shot at The Grand Ole Opry?

Well, the Stetson Institute of Country Western Linguistics, in association with the Faith Hill School of Crossover Studies, brings you the Country Music Theme Generator (patent pending). These organizations have analyzed Top 40 Country radio for the past 5 years, and have noticed certain trends. Choose one topic from the following list, or string together several, for a showstopping, whiskey-drenched CMA award winning hit:

-Drunken bad decision
-She left
-He left
-She’ll Take You Back
-He’ll Take You Back
-You Chose the other Chick, but You’ll Want Me
-You Chose the other Guy, but You’ll Want Me
-Someone gets to Heaven
-River/Lake/Muddy Baptism
-Drinking before Noon
-Excuses to Drink
-Dad dies
-Girl loses legs
-Crying Dad
-Ominous Traffic Light reference
-America
-Soldiers
-Freedom
-American Soldiers Fighting for Our Freedom
-Dead Soldiers
-Weddings
-Trucks
-Revenge
-Silly Youth
-Elderly Wisdom
-Old Regret
-Dad singing about daughter in mildly inappropriate way

This list is for anyone who likes their Rascals Flatt & their Travises Randy.

Hootie & the Blowfish frontman, Darius Rucker, followed this method, and his hit about leavin’, regrettin’, and whiskey, led him to become the first black person in 25 years to have a #1 country song! A black man at the top of the country charts! Pretty soon, they’ll be in the White House!

Anyway, if you’re ready to be a Nashville star, with a legion of fans shaking their honky tonk badonkadonks, this is the program for you.

*Special thanks go out to Toby Keith, Director of the United States Department of Retribution (itself, a division of the US Department of Homeland Security)