“I’m not here for your entertainment, you don’t really wanna mess with me tonight…”
I felt the need for a pre-weekend blog, but I’m not sure why. It’s gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness…
-Fellas, if your woman really loves P!nk’s U+Ur Hand, you’ve got a problem. The writing’s on the wall right there. Listen to the lyrics. Just sayin’…
-If only Kelly Clarkson had figured out how to make a proper “fuck you, all things with penises” song, she wouldn’t be in the mess she’s in. Months ago, everybody was saying, “Crazy old Clive Davis should leave her alone! What does he know about music?” Clive Davis fucking carried music for the latter half of the 20th century. If he says your album sucks, it’s actually horrendous. Clive isn’t the kind of guy to just outright say something. He’d beat around the bush and say that it was “still in development” or something. For him to just out and tell her, “This is bad”, that meant the shit had really hit the fan. That’s when neither Diane Warren, David Foster, a 50 Cent/Nelly/Bustah Rhymes cameo, nor a Jay Z intro can help you anymore. The man knew what he was talking about, and it took this long for people to finally admit, “You know, it doesn’t really have much of a tune…” Knocking authority might’ve worked back at the Piggly-Wiggly, but you’re in the big time now, Kelly.
-Speaking of music, I put my little “song of the summer” theory to the test last weekend. At two different points Saturday, I found myself driving through Georgetown or Bethesda. When Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girls came on, I was like the fucking Pied Piper! It just makes White people dance. It’s like it channels that latent gene (which is usually beaten up by the beer-pong and flip-flops- in-winter genes), and just lets it loose. It’s gonna be an amazing summer, as long as that song doesn’t get old fast. I really hope he’s got a follow up in the bag. Otherwise, he’s headed straight to Song of Summer Hell, along with Los Del Rio & the Quad City DJ’s.
-So, Rosie wants to host The Price is Right…would someone put a fucking Koosh bullet in her brain already? The problem with Rosie is not that she’s a loudmouth, nor is it her politics or orientation. The problem with Rosie is that she’s got professional ADD. She does something until it bores her. This might be a nice, stress-free way to live, but it’s not the thing upon which contracts are built. She wanted a talk show and did it until she got bored. She wanted to be on The View, and then she got bored and started wrecking shit. If you’re taking over Bob Barker’s obscenely long microphone, your ass better be ready for a 20 yr commitment! That’s why I wanted Mrio Lopez to get it. He can only be remembered as Slater for so long, and it’s not like he has any real long-term career potential. This could be the career renaissance that he needs, like when Tiffani Theissen went to 90210. We could look back on this era and say, ‘That’s when Mario became his own man.” If Rosie gets it, it’ll simply be known as “that period after she left The View, but before she opened her lesbian dude ranch in Vermont”.
-I came across something hilarious the other day, if you’re up on your 80’s music. Apparently, Michael Bolton would take anyone’s scraps. He’ll always be thought of as Elvis II, aka the Other White Guy Who Stole Music from Black Guys. But it doesn’t stop there. It seems that he was even taking scraps from Air Supply. Yes, All Out of Love and Making Love Out of Nothing At All Air Supply. His seminal hit, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You, was deemed unacceptable by Air Supply. They were too busy….supplying air. But Mr. Bolton looked up from his plate of ribs (I always felt like he would be that weird white guy hanging out in the rib place, just waiting to still hooks from some freshly groomed R&B group. Can’t you just see that? There’s always that White guy. He’s usually a PhD candidate or something, doing an “immersion experiment. And they always have long hair. Like we ain’t gonna notice long hair!), and said, “I’ll take one of those, please!
Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls” IS the song of the summer, if not the coming decade. Its punchline was the “suicidal…” chorus. All of a sudden on KTU in NYC last Friday, that lyric changed to “in denial…” for some god-unknown reason. I recommend that Sean Kingston sue whomever is responsible for this, and that anyone out there who is as angry about this as I am and has a way of doing it (I have not as yet), arrange for at least one 50-caliber tunnel to be bored through said person’s head! God fucking damn that fool or those fools, and that decision, it ruins the song!!!