“I like havin’ my toes sucked and my ass licked out. At the same time. Wait a minute…”
Yeah, I’m going to break the fourth wall and acknowledge where that quote came from. Yeah, I actually heard that in conversation. I think I had the most amoral weekend ever, but I don’t wanna write about that yet.
First off, a post update. If you read my Love, Actually post, you’ll remember I ended it saying, “ I really wish someone would find a project for Ant & Dec in America…” Well, imagine my happy surprise when I read this on Tvguide.com today:
ABC has ordered six episodes of Wanna Bet?, a game show in which contestants wager on whether they can perform stunts. U.K. personalities Ant and Dec will host….
I think ABC owes me a finders fee!
Ok, have you ever watched a movie or read a book and related to every character? Last night, I watched The Last Kiss, and I so did/did not need to watch that right now. First of all, Zach Braff as a sometimes asshole is a bit much to take, yet works as a concept. But out of him and his entire group of friends, I couldn’t figure out which one I felt most like at that given time. The same way that Garden State made you go, “Man, this quarter-life phase sucks!”, The Last Kiss makes you think, “Man, this marriage phase sounds like it sucks!” It seems like it’s not even a matter of things wrong in a relationship; sometimes it can just be the lack of surprise left in the relationship…
So, the weekend. Some backstory. My friend, JJ, used to go to school in Allegheny County. For those Marylanders in the house, your pity is welcome. For y’all not from these here parts, Allegheny is as country as you can get. It’s up in the mountains, away from civilization, where gas stations close at 8. Anyway, he was going through this “I’m going to find myself” phase about a year back, and decided to go take classes up there (even though he already has some sort of degree/certificate thing to his name!).
While he was up there, he didn’t get much done, academically. Instead, he was the life of the party. I guess it also helped that he was about 8 yrs older than everybody, but they all wanted to hang out with JJ. In fact, they called him “Diddy” ’cause he always got the party started (and he was “city-fied”). He also had his share of ladies, one of whom was *crazy* (about him and in general). The stories I’ve heard about that coupling would make the best video you’ve ever seen!
After about a semester, JJ realized that he was kind of over that region and he came back here. Even so, he would make trips up to see this girl because their escapades were legendary. There’s a catch, though. You see, the girl wasn’t exactly herself. She was doing the college thing, and abused some substances here and there. Those party favors played a big part in why JJ was the Ron Jeremy of Cumberland, as far as she was concerned.
So, over the weekend, JJ decided he wanted to make that trip. I had absolutely nothing to do, and I like hick areas, so I tagged along. He gave the chick a call, but her phone had been turned off (and she’s White, too! Everybody laugh). He had left her myspace messages that he was coming to town, but no response. So, he decided to be straight up gangsta, and just knock on her door.
Well, that’s what we did. The lights were out in the hallway of the apartment building, so we were just some Negroes in the dark. Her roommate opened the door, and was scared shitless, seeing as how they’re not used to door-to-door thug service. JJ told her he was here for the other chick, who then came to the door.
She was really happy to see him, and just jumped right on him. JJ’s smile screamed, “Yes, I’m still in!” But that was not the case. You see, there were 2 other people in the room, and a screaming baby. But wait, there’s more. The chick tells JJ that these are her friends from rehab. No, no, no!
Yup, it seems that the chick had been trying to get clean ever since JJ skipped town and broke her heart. Now, her nights were filled with Jolt energy drink and games of spades. Immediately, JJ began the investigation to see if there were traces of the old chick in there. They’d do their reminiscing thing, but everything she said was *really* past tense. Like, “Remember how crazy we used to be?” or “Man, I was so in love with you, JJ.” I think the clincher was when she said, “Man, we had some really good sex, didn’t we?” and he jumped right on that with, “Had?” You see, she needs companionship now, and not just some dude who passes through town every few weeks. Turns out there’s a dude in her group she’s been dating (which is odd seeing as how you’re not supposed to date for the first year of recovery, but maybe things are different in the moutains).
Now, here’s where shit gets shady. JJ realizes he really needs to start pushing those buttons if he’s to get what he wants, but is it worth knocking a chick off the wagon? Well, it certainly seemed that way. As the group continued discussing details of the day’s earlier meeting, JJ kept getting more restless. He just couldn’t wrap his head around a totally sober lifestyle. They were really trying hard, and the chick showed him her 4 months worth of keychains she’d gotten for sobriety, but he would counter telling her how much he wanted a 40. I wanted to reach over across the table and punch him out. You don’t fucking do that. You don’t tell a pedophile that you really wanna go to Chuck E Cheese’s! Shit’s hard enough as it is. Don’t dangle temptation.
Then again, I guess I can see why JJ was confused. You see, even though she tried to act like that stuff was in the past, she and her friends were freaks! Somehow, they started talking about how much they enjoyed getting their asses licked out. I was thoroughly disgusted, as were the other guys in the room. The women, however, were all about the analingus. Even Sarah, the quiet chick who came in somewhat aloof, really came alive when she reentered the room to that discussion. They were like, “Sarah, don’t you like gettin’ your ass licked?” She responded, “Oh yeah, girl! I like havin’ my toes sucked and my ass licked.” Wow, quiet girl came out of her shell! And apparently, she likes to have said shell licked.
Then, they proceeded to explain the freaky rituals of the house. All of the group members have to sign the “autograph wall”, but they have to sign with their nickname. Sarah’s was “Rubber Crack”; I won’t really go into the story, but let’s just say this chick is all about butts. If there are yellow stars around the autograph, it means you’ve had sex in the house. Are all rehab groups like this?!
Anyway, I saw that the night wasn’t going the direction that JJ wanted, but I had to wait until he came to this realization. After all, he drove. I think the nail was in the coffin when the chick asked him, “JJ, do you think I’m as fun sober as I was back in the day?” His response? “Haha, yeah…I’m not gonna answer that.” Give the chick the acceptance she was looking for, dude! On the one hand, I’m glad he was honest, since it meant he wasn’t willing to lie to get ass. On the other hand, it’s still a dick response. That’s one of those gray areas…
A little after that, we said our goodbyes and went back out into the mountain night. Although he didn’t “succeed”, it was still a very awkward and sketchy experience. A few more like that, and this site might actually be readable again…
Tremendous.
– Marcus.