“Because, in my mind, nothing makes aliens more angry than humans not living up to their full potential.”
Apparently, i’m about to enter the seedy underbelly of covert operations. But, since I’m blogging about it, I guess my actions won’t be so covert after all. You see, my friend, Davis, wants us to infiltrate Scientology. He feels his mission in life is to bring down that scam for what it is. There’s a Scientology center downtown, so put two and two together. Thats right, I give you “Operation: Cruisin’ for a Bruisin'”
I don’t really know what he has in mind. I’ve heard a few ideas that I really shouldn’t post online, you know, Patriot Act and all. Either way, I kinda think he’s serious, and I don’t know if that excites me or scares me. I’m kinda like that chick in high school, who’s into the rebel who makes his own rules, and he scares me but gets me wet.That rebel bastard might slap me around or pull a knife on me, but I just want him to take me to Summit Point and make out with me….Wow…I got WAY off topic there.
Anyway, Davis has done his homework. We drunkenly discussed the pecking order of the Sea Org. PLEASE, if you haven’t heard of this, PLEASE go look up “Sea Organization”. For the Cliff Notes version, the Sea Org is the main operating body of Scientology. The crazy bastards dress up in Naval uniforms and perform all of their rituals on a ship in international waters. It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that, if something has to be done in international waters, it’s a safe bet that it shouldn’t be done at all. It’s common practice for them to throw “traitors” and the like overboard. And to learn any Scientology teachings above Operating Thetan 8 (OT 8), you must be taught only on the ship.
Rumor has it that the ship is docked in Curacao. What, was Hedonism not an option? Some religion y’all got there. How ’bout we swing over to Cabo and say ‘Hi’ to Sammy Hagar. He’s prolly high enough to listen to the psycho shit y’all are peddlin’.
Look, I’m all about religious freedom, and I realize that every religion is trying to force something down our throats that’s a bit hard to swallow. But listen to this stuff! Billions of years ago, an alien warlord sent his enemies to Earth on space planes shaped like 767’s so that he could blow them up inside a volcano. Once blown to kingdom come, the spirits floated around until we came along, and they inhabited us. Shit! Power Rangers had a more convincing storyline!
Now, through the wondrous magic of Scientology, we can be purged of these spirits with contributions of $10,000 and up. P.S. It helps to have a SAG card. After all, we want our interests positively represented in Hollywood. Nothing says crediblity like John Travolta and Isaac Hayes. Yup, Chef is a Scientologisy. I wonder how they feel about his Chocolate Salty Balls…
Speaking of Hollywood, let’s point out another Scientological failing: “Battlefield: Earth”. Yes, this movie, unbeknownst to many, is actually based on the teachings of Scientology. In fact, it is infamous for being known as the biggest cinematic bomb of the past 20 years. It’s one thing to look at it as a bad movie. OK, shit happens. It’s a completely different thing to realize that the worst movie of all time is the basis for a religion. Hey, John Travolta’s no Mel Gibson, but you don’t need Jesus as your homeboy to realize that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that equation. What is it about actors that they buy into this stuff, but the average Joe doesn’t. I mean, I want ultimate understanding, but I’m not a major shareholder in Planet Hollywood, so I don’t matter…
There’s the theory that, like Skull & Bones, blackmail plays a part. Rumor has it that Travolta’s only in because they’ve got “pictures regarding his past”. So, you’re gay Travolta. You’re in Hollywood; EVERYBODY’S gay! Would it really be that bad to come out? I mean, look at the alternative you’ve chosen for yourself! Why don’t you and Tom just cut the crap and get together, and Kelly and Katie can get on with their lives.
Anyway, from his days on “Semester at Sea”, Davis told me that pirates still roam the high seas (See, baby? Pirates!). While not as impressive as the pirates of lore, they still manage to knock over the occasional cruise ship or two. So, he’d like to give the Sea Org’s coordinates to these pirates, and watch carnage ensue.
I’m not sure it’s gonna work out like he plans. After all, maybe those pirates will be pickin’ up what those Scientologists are puttin’ down. Then, we’d have some bastard Piratologist hybrids running around, looting in the name of purging Thetans. And, then folks, we would be royally fucked. I don’t think it’s wise to mix Pirates and aliens. Why do i say that? Because Hollywood’s never shown this to us. Why haven’t they shown it? Because even they realize that NOTHING can beat the team of pirates and aliens. We are royally fucked. Not even Tom Cruise and Michael Bay explosions can convince us that we’re gonna win that war. We’re not. Just get ready for the probing and the looting. All hail our tentacled, eyepatch wearing overlords. It’s over, Sally…
So, the ultimate plan is to sell out the nutjobs to the pirates. But for the covert part, we think we might go down to a meeting, and see what they’re all about. It’s often said that hatred comes from ignorance. I’d like to be able to say that I hate them, not because of my own ignorance, but because I KNOW they’re crackpots. I’m advocating educated hatred. After all, we’ve got to set an example for the kids…
