This episode: “Hair of the Dog…”: Two-Part Season Premiere
Special Guest Star: Davis
Introducing: Erica
So, it all started Friday night. Right after H&M lowered its gate to customers, I got a call from Davis. Not supposed to have a cell phone on the floor. But I’m a rebel. Rules are for missionaries and sweepstakes. Plus, the store was closed. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, call from Davis…
So, he tells me he’d met a Hooters girl the prior week and she was throwing a party. All I heard was “Hooters” and “party”. I was still kicking myself for missing the Polly Esther’s “Girls Gone Wild” party 2 weeks ago, so this would fill that void…
So, I finish working, he picks me up, we proceed to DC to find this party. Hooters Girl has a name, which is Erica, and it turns out this party is a surprise for one of her friend’s birthday. So, we get there, and she just happens to be in the lobby. Adorable girl, and very friendly, to boot. So, we go upstairs to the party, but alas, this be no Hooters party I envisioned. Instead, for all you Cornell kids out there, it was a Risley party. No short shorts or dumb blondes. Instead, it was a very Urban Outfitters crowd. You know, the kind of people you don’t feel cool enough to actually hang out with? The kind who are always kinda hovering on some cooler plane of existence than you? Yeah, those people…But they were cool. And boy could they drink.
Anyway, the minute we get in the door, we meet the birthday girl, and partake of the “birthday shot”. Don’t ask me what it was, but it was green and it was good. But very few safe things are green in hue. I sort of remember making an Ecto Cooler reference. We went up to the roof, I watched them smoke, while I moved on to beer.
Sidebar: In college, I hated beer. It was for commoners. Keith had forever ruined me by introducing me to the drinking world with the lovely creation known as Seven & Seven. From that moment on, I was a mixed drink kid. No beer for me. Beer was for construction workers and gullible sorority girls…
Well, now I have seen the light, and beer’s been getting me a lot drunker than any of those mixed drinks ever did. So, they’re smoking, I’m drinking, we discuss cell phone horror stories, City Paper “I Saw You” ads, and the interlibrary loan system. But like I said, awesome people! I really mean that. I mean, Erica could debate Star Trek and anime! Something about that ain’t normal, but it’s oh so nice. So, we go back inside. I’m on beer # 2. Which eventually leads to #3. Keep in mind, I haven’t eaten in 6 hrs…Suddenly, I had an epiphany: I think I’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, I don’t remember ever feeling that way in the past, but I had hit a wall. i had reached a point where I felt it was no longer a good idea for me to drink. Not sure if it was my Spidey-Sense or what, but to drink anything else would’ve been a bad idea…
So, Davis’ friend from high school is a senior at UofMD, and he has a house..so, you do the math. So, I’m about to be the old guy at the house party. Before we leave the first party, Erica doesn’t finish her beer, and Davis just offhandedly says, “Here, Will. You finish it.” It was only half full, so I went against my vow, and imbibed a bit more, finishing the bottle. “That’s it,” I told myself.
Now, for the good stuff…Davis, Erica, and I are driving to College Park, trying to figure out if we’re going the right direction. Cops are everywhere ’cause the semester just started. We stop at a light, and the cops just happen to be behind us. Davis then says, “I hope they don’t decide to run my tags or something back there.” Why? Because he just sold his old car, and had the 15-day tags for the new car he was driving. But wait, there’s more! The temp tags had expired, so his friend had given him his mom’s tags to use, until all the legal stuff was straightened out regarding sale of previous car, etc. Long story short, “stolen tags” on car we’re in. Yeah….
Cue lights. Cops pull us over right after we get through the light. I’m too drunk to really be freaked or nervous. Erica was surprisingly calm. In fact, I think we all handled it very well. But who should call my cell at that exact moment? Natalie. Yup, all the stars were out tonight, folks. Well, I wasn’t gonna risk getting shot answering my phone, so Nat had to wait. Davis explained the situation to the officers, and they were really cool about it. They were gonna write a $255 ticket, but he had the old tags with him, so they just told him to pull into a parking lot and put them back on.
So, reattached tags, car in motion, we find the house, and it’s your standard teen movie college party. Although, the crowd seemed really young. I guess it was predominantly freshmen. You ever realize how young they look? I mean, really…So, I kinda just went to the kitchen to chill. But then I saw it: the Kegerator. I mean, it’s a refrigerator filled with beer! A monstrosity of this magnitude must be explored. So, I have a beer. No harm, no foul. I just kinda lean back against the counter, ’cause i wasn’t in “walking shape”. Then, all these stoner white dudes kept coming up to me, like, “What’s up man?! You missin’ the party!” I was like, “The party’s right here. I’m just chillin’.” They’d fire back with, “I hear you man. I got you!”. So, to deal with this, I had Kegerator beers #2, #3, and then I lost count…
I kinda remember dancing with Erica, and we both complimented the other’s moves. As for the ride home, no clue. Passed completely out. I remember Davis saying, “Will, we’re here.” I was like, “Where’s here?” He responded, “Your house!” I opened my eyes, and said, “Well, I’ll be…that IS my house!” I stumbled out of the car, said goodnight to Erica and Davis. I stumbled into my house, somehow managed to take out my contacts, and passed out right in my clothes…
End of Part One
Part Two
Special Guest Stars: Shelly, Bruce, Susan, and Christina
So, Saturday morning. I wake up to the alarm. Crap, I missed the premiere of “The Batman”. I knew something was wrong with me when that didn’t really register on my care-o-meter…
That’s when I noticed I was still dressed. Random Wolverine-like flashbacks started creeping in regarding the night before. Then it hit me: I might be hungover….”Whatever you do, do it slowly”, I told myself. No need to conjure up the juices if I didn’t have to. So, I just kinda stayed down for a few minutes, testing to see if I was gonna be sick. I’ve only been hungover thrice in my life, so I never quite know what to do in these situations.
I sit up, and it hits me. I feel sick. I run to the bathroom, nauseous, but nothing happens. But I know it’s on its way; timing is everything!
I have this thing where running water soothes me, so I turned on the faucet, and just kinda knelt down, praying & begging to get this over with quickly. Eventually, I pseudo-threw up, but it was more gagging than anything. And I knew the show wasn’t over yet. So, I kinda sat on the bathroom floor for about an hr. Water running the whole time. Feeling sicker than i ever have. Begging for death.
During one stretch of this marathon, I was on the floor, and my mother tried to come in to tell me she was ging to the bank. Keep in mind, she had no idea what was going on, and my foot kinda stopped her from being able to open the door. Regardless, she somehow saw some part of me on the floor, and was all worried. I told her I just didn’t feel well, and I was just resting….
I finally mustered the energy to shower. And that’s when the fun started. Once again, found myself kneeling, not really in control of the situation or the processes going on. But I actually felt better when it was all over. I swear, WORSE HANGOVER EVER. So, I get dressed, and decide to lie down before leaving for work. Bad idea. Stomach churns. Spidey-Sense tells me “run to the bathroom”, and when it speaks, you’d best obey! I got there just in time. BLORRCH!! What do ya know? Green. Remember what i said about green earlier? Nothing good/safe ever comes in the hue of green! yeah, I guess I should’ve warned that this was gonna be graphic….
So, Mommy takes me to work, and I kinda stumble out of the car. I get inside, and everyone’s like, “Man, you look WRECKED!” Luckily, my shift began in the stockroom, so i didn’t have to deal with customers. But word traveled about my sickly nature, so i quickly became the staff joke; the lastest museum exhibit: “Go see Will! He looks like shit!”
And I had my mind set on leaving and just coming home. But how? Mommy didn’t know I was drunk, and she’d be pissed if she had to come back and get me. And I’d probably die on the bus. So, I had to figure out if I could really survive the evening. Shelly was really cool about it, which helped. I mean, I felt bad about being in this state at work. Not exactly professional, plus we had a new girl starting. I just had no idea I would be this WRECKED. So, I alternated between working, running to the bathroom, and pseudo-blacking out. I was in BAD SHAPE.
Thankfully, Bruce agreed to take my shift in the fitting room, and i was able to hide a bit longer. I’m not sure what happened, but in this final hour, I got my strength back. I know there are some moments I can’t account for, but next thing I knew, I was back. And it felt good. And I swore, “Never again!” Which is funny, ’cause about 3 hrs later, I was thinking, “I could really use a drink right now…” Oh, I’m such a Tony Stark!
So, after work, Susan, Christina and I went to Dave & Busters. We were all starving, and I figured it’d be a good idea, since we didn’t get out of H&M til about midnight. It was really a good time. Susan kept heckling me about the night before. I never should’ve used the words “Hooter’s Girl” around her. She’s never gonna let that go. I hadn’t even MET Erica when I’d told Susan I was going to the party (she was present when I got Davis’s call), so I didn’t have a name to go on, but she thinks I was just drinking to impress this girl. No, I was drinking to….well I don’t really HAVE a reason for all the drinking, but I was impressing NO ONE…
Anyway, I’ve hung out with Susan before, and that’s always cool, but it was great getting to know more about Christina. I mean, she’s a beautiful person inside and out. With a GORGEOUS smile. She’s been working at H&M for awhile, but I’d never really gotten much time to talk to her. Instead, I go through the whole kindergarten route of “I’m gonna get attention by picking on you”! I really need to stop that….But I KNOW what you’re thinking, and NO. It’s not like that…I’m still processing everything from Sapphic Summer ’04, so I’m not about to go into “pursuit mode” anytime soon. I just think it’d be nice to have a museum buddy…
So, I kept my vow, and DIDN’T drink. In fact, I’m not sure if I will anytime soon. In the past, after my rare hangover, it’s kept me away from alcohol for months on end. I don’t see it having that drastic an effect, but we’ll see…Anyway, this concludes our two-part season premiere. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode: “Terror Behind The Wheel”! It’s gonna be about drivin’!
