Over the years, I’ve had people tell me they don’t love social media because it makes them feel bad about themselves. They fall into this trap of comparing their lives to the curated depictions that folks post, and they feel like they’ve fallen short. I gotta say that this hasn’t really happened to me. I mean, I would lament any time something trite went viral, while my masterpieces withered in the sun, but I never saw anyone’s online life and longed to have it for myself. I just figured folks were taking social media too seriously, and it simply “wasn’t that deep”. Then, I signed up for LinkedIn. Yeah, I know I’m the last guy boarding the plane before they shut the door for takeoff, but I never intended to join that site. Ever. From just cursory knowledge, it felt like a forum in which to boast about accomplishments, in order to ‘look good on paper”. I always felt it was for executives, and none of my career experience ever really suggested I’d earned that status. That said, I’m in the job market, and I’ve been told I have to be on that site, so there I was. And I finally understood why Others hate social media.
I don’t understand LinkedIn. I mean, I kinda understand it. It’s pretty much what I thought it would be. However, there’s a language over there that no one speaks in public. Ya know how Latin is a “Dead Language”? Well, on LinkedIn, it’s like they’re speaking a…Premature Language? I almost feel like this is how people will speak in the future, and I hate it because it’s lofty platitudes that tell you nothing. A lotta words to say a little. It’s reminiscent of how we went from “Secretary” to “Administrative Assistant”. Did the job duties change that much?
The average LinkedIn summary (The part where you describe yourself) reads like “An experienced Six Sigma Black Belt, with a passion for data analysis, and a proven record of process-driven referral management. Recently closed a $1.2B multifamily portfolio, involving a major metropolitan planned mixed-use development, transitioning from a NNN leasing structure. I have a keen interest in maximizing results in collaborative environments, leveraging stakeholders to achieve success.” What. The. Fuck?! I barely know The Queen’s English, and now I’ve gotta speak Cyborg?!
This isn’t me. I am not this. I’m nothing if not honest, and I call a spade a spade. What is it that I do? I try to ensure that office staff members don’t continually fuck up data entry in the one system that runs our whole school. Spoiler Alert: They continue to do so, but it has kept me employed for 15 years. Figured that was pretty good job security. I guess the joke’s on me! My work is already specific to one sector, and the bigger accomplishments aren’t really transferable. To make matters worse, I don’t think I even want to do this kind of work anymore. What do I want to do now? No. Fucking. Clue.
When setting up my profile, the site suggested I use the Summary section to explain my experience and/or share a glimpse of my personality. So, I wrote this:
“Will Work For Money. For years, I swore I would never sign up for this, yet here I am. There’s something almost ‘Thanosian’ about that. Yes, I made up that word. That’s something I do in my spare time…”
I left that up for about 12 hours, and I guess it was fortuitous that all the connection requests I’d sent out had caused a bottleneck, so no one received them. Meanwhile, as I explored the site, I realized my summary just didn’t match the vibe over there. Sure, it shows my personality, but there’s an almost sterile familiarity to interactions over there. Folks congratulate one another on career changes and accomplishments, yet those messages sound even less genuine than a Facebook comment saying “Happy Birthday”, and I didn’t think such a thing was possible. So many interactions feel like investments in a possible future. “I hope she remembers my support when I do something similar one day.”
And the social media trend of comparing yourself to others? I’m experiencing that more here than ever before. Looking at accomplishments and titles, and I’m like “What the Hell have I been doing with my life?!” Do you realize the former head of the CDC is a Cornell alum who graduated 3 years before me? Not some old fogey. Someone who was driven and accomplished. Me? I’ve spent 22 years on a blog with a readership in the tens. Someone suggested I mention this site on there. That person clearly has never read this site.
I can see it as a valuable tool, or else it wouldn’t have survived this long. That said, everything ain’t got everybody. I feel like I’m gonna have a better shot finding my next job by saving an old man from being hit by a bus, only to discover he owns the local factory, is about to retire, and has been looking for a kind-hearted successor than I do finding it on this website. But, like the lottery, you gotta be in it to win it, so I guess this is the first step.
Well, now that I’ve insulted many of you, I’d like to take the time to thank those who have connected with me over there. I will eventually learn your ways, and speak in your tongue.
Will Around The Web
I was invited back to Wizards: The Podcast Guide to Comics to discuss issue #115. This issue was FULL of hot 2001 comic industry news, and Adam & I touch on as much of it as we can. You can check it out here, or wherever you get fine podcasts.
Things You Might Have Missed This Week
- WWE Superstar AJ Lee made her return to the ring after a decade away on Friday’s WWE SmackDown. I used to love her, but then she married CM Punk (in real life, folks), whom I hate. So, she’s tainted. Plus, we have far better female talent in wrestling now than we did in her heyday, so…
- Teen Titans/Teen Titans Go! Beast Boy voice actor Greg Cipes went on social media to say that Warner Bros had fired him after revealing his Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis. It’s worth pointing out, however, that he states the firing took place in February, yet he continued to record things up until April. Some fans feel some controversial social media posts may be the true cause of any dismissal.
- Howard Stern played into the rumors about his contract renewal rift with SiriusXM setting up a prank on Monday, where Andy Cohen went on-air at Stern’s usual time, on Stern’s channel, announcing that it would be “Andy100” going forward.
- Toymaker Hasbro announced that they would be moving their corporate headquarters from Pawtucket, RI to Boston.
- This week marked the 40th anniversary of the iconic 80 syndicated sitcom Small Wonder. Congratulations. You’re old.
- Actress Polly Holliday, best known as “Flo” on the sitcom Alice, passed away this week at the age of 88. She’s telling the angels to kiss her grits now…
- Our nation can rest soundly, as Ryan Seacrest has renewed his contract to host American Idol next season. Sources say that Mario Lopez and Maria Menounos were potential replacements, should ABC not meet his demands. Actually, I made that last part up, but it sounds plausible, right? I felt I needed to clarify that because, as my grandmother would say, “That’s how lies get started” lol
- Modern Family cast member Eric Stonestreet married longtime girlfriend Lindsay Schweitzer. Yup, Cam. Mmm-hmm. Hey, Elton was married once, too…
- None of y’all care about this, but apparently two Cornell students killed a 120-lb black bear, and then brought it back to their dorm room, where they skinned it. They both had hunting licenses, and the bear was killed three counties away (which is even more twisted to me), where the act was legal. I’m just saying their RA needs to be fired. At the very least!
- The next Bachelorette was announced to be Taylor Frankie Paul, one of the stars of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. See, she’s technically not a Mormon wife anymore, as she and her husband – with whom she allegedly participated in “soft swinging” – have divorced since that show began.
- There are reports that Skydance Media owner David Ellison – which just completed an $8B takeover of Paramount Global – is considering making a $70B offer for the entirety of Warner Bros. It’s funny how folks have always been so worried about Disney, when something like this is about to happen, and folks are quiet. In most of history, this would have been an antitrust nightmare, but it seems anything goes in this current world of ours…
- BREAKING NEWS: Ego Nwodim is departing Saturday Night Live after seven seasons. Guess Kenan is gonna have to play black women characters again.,..
I’ve taken up enough of your time. Go out, and do something nice. Do it for yourself, or for someone else. I don’t really care. Just…be nice.