Ya know, when I’m in a bookstore and I see something by Dav Pilkey, my first thought is always, “Huh. It really is just that easy, isn’t it?” I mean, I’m sure he works hard and all, but I’m also pretty sure Dog Man writes itself at this point. Rod Stewart was right: Some guys really do have all the luck.
First off, I want to thank the folks who reached out to me to weigh in on adding “Hawk Tuah Girl”, Hailey Welch, to the official West Week Ever record. While she did take the internet by storm that week, the general consensus was that the WWE is basically written in stone, and it wouldn’t be right to go back and amend the record. So, unless she goes to space or gets placed on the presidential ballot, she will not have the chance to “spit on that thang” in these hallowed halls.
Anyway, I learned two surprising pop culture tidbits this week. First, I discovered that LeVar Burton and Three’s Company’s Joyce DeWitt were in a relationship back in 1980. Geordi LaForge and Janet Wood were bangin’ down at the Regal Beagle?! Apparently, they broke up due to pressure from her family, who weren’t too pleased with the interracial relationship. Gotta say, though, it takes a lotta balls to turn away Kunta Kinte. I mean, everyone saw Roots, so the guilt factor alone should have held them at bay for a bit.
Next, I learned that diminutive pop sensation/former Girl Meets World costar Sabrina Carpenter is Nancy “Bart Simpson” Cartwright’s niece! I wonder if Sabrina’s done any time in the Sea Org…
Trailer Park
Agatha All Along (Disney+, September 18)
Look, I enjoyed WandaVision, and I love Kathryn Hahn, but that Marvel Television banner is doing a TON of heavy lifting here. Were it not already somewhat connected to a greater franchise that I like, I’d otherwise think this was standard Freeform shit for teenage girls. Everything on that channel looks like it’s based on a young adult novel found in the Walmart book aisle. I guess I’ll watch it (To date, I’ve only watched about 60% of the D+ Marvel shows), but I wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to it.
Time Bandits (Apple TV+, July 24)
Whenever something is exclusive to Apple TV+, I feel compelled to remind the reader that I don’t have a subscription to that service, greatly decreasing my odds of watching it. Also, we should get out of the way the fact that I don’t love Monty Python. It’s not “British Humor” that bothers me. I get it, and I’m fine with it. It’s Monty Python’s brand of British Humor I could do without. It’s the kind of thing I laugh at around other people, because they find it funny, and I don’t want to be left out. Otherwise, it just doesn’t do it for me. Hell, John Cleese used to walk around campus, and I wasn’t even starstruck. I’d prefer the comedic stylings of Mr. Bean or anything with John Inman. Anyway, Time Bandits was always sold to me by folks who loved Monty Python, and loved that it was financed by George Harrison, not realizing both aspects were driving me further away from it. So, I have a heavy bias against the property, which is why I’m surprised that I love everything here. I mean, Taika rarely disappoints me, and the casting just really sells this thing. Lisa Kudrow sort of took me by surprise with her comedic timing. Sure, she was Phoebe Buffet, but I always thought she was better as twin sister Ursula. I’m not about to give Apple my credit card info, but were this more readily available, I’d definitely watch it!
The Duel: Gentlemen’s Rules (Theaters, July 31)
Ya know, this looks terrible, and yet… I mean, the entire trailer, I’m sitting here thinking, “Who has more Hollywood clout: Patrick Warburton or Zack/Cody?” I mean, I guess Sprouse was #1 on the call sheet, but the movie doesn’t appear to work without Warburton. There’s no way I’d spend a cent to watch this, but if you told me it was on Prime Video right now, well, this post might go up about 90 minutes later than planned.
Captain America: Brave New World (Theaters, February 14)
Dare I say that the MCU is BACK? Nah, this ain’t it, champ. And nothing says “Valentine’s Day” like a Red Hulk. I know that stinger was supposed to shock folks, but Red Hulk’s inclusion has been the worst kept secret about this film (and it was confirmed by McDonald’s Happy Meals 3 months ago). I’m also hung up on Sam’s suit. I’m nowhere near a fashionista, but that’s a Storefront Preacher suit, and not a Meeting the President at the White House suit. He was dressed more appropriately for Peggy’s funeral. Also, I kinda hate that I feel Giancarlo Esposito is being wasted here. I mean, we knew he’d been in talks with Marvel, but I think most of us were hoping he’d surface somehow affiliated with mutants, and not just “Villain in Cap 4“. OK, now that the gripes are out of the way, I am curious. I always love a new MCU film, even if we’ve got to wait til February to finally get it. And I like that it’s not ignoring the events of Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Hell, I had to watch it 3 times to realize the shooter was Isaiah Bradley from that series. Carl Lumbly is looking a bit more diesel than when we last saw him! Anyway, this is merely a “teaser”, and the public reaction to it will dictate Marvel Studios’ next move.
Things You Might Have Missed This Week
- Taking away the wrong lesson from Bel Air, Martin Lawrence is reportedly developing a Young Martin series, that will be a dramatic spin on the character he played in his 90s Fox sitcom.
- Speaking of taking away the wrong lesson, I suppose Pat Sajak is friends with Jay Leno, as he’s taking a page out of that playbook by already coming out of retirement: It was announced that Sajak would be returning as host of the next season of the primetime Celebrity Wheel of Fortune.
- Following the sudden (and unexplained) firing of original head writer Beau DeMayo, Marvel Animation has named What If…? writer Matthew Chauncey as the writer for season 3 of X-Men ’97. Seeing as how I’ve never heard anyone say anything good about the overall What If…? series, I don’t really see this as good news.
- After a disappointing $11 million debut weekend for Kevin Costner’s Horizon: An American Saga – Chapter 1, the second part has been pulled from its planned August theatrical release, with no new date announced. Seeing as how Costner invested $38 million of his own money to get it made, he needs it to succeed. The first part is now being rushed to streaming, in the hopes that word of mouth will generate more interest in the franchise. Oh, and there are still 2 more movies to be filmed for the 4-part series…
- There’s a misleading article going around, causing folks to think Sony is getting out of the Blu-ray business. The truth is that they are exiting the *writable* Blu-ray business, in that they’re not making blank discs or burners anymore. The mass market Blu-ray situation is a different story, as they recently entered into a deal to manufacture home releases for Disney.
- Lots of big moves in the comic industry, as book publisher Penguin Random House bought Boom! Studios, home of the hit Something Is Killing The Children, as well as the Power Rangers comic line. Meanwhile, fledgling upstart publisher DSTLRY has jumped ship from distributor Lunar to Diamond – which is a FIRST for any publisher so far.
- In other indie comic news, Barbaric, from Vault Comics, is being developed as a TV series by Michael Bay. Yes, that Michael Bay. It’s a fantasy series that follows a barbarian and his possessed, talking battle axe. Patrick Stewart is in talks to voice the axe. Now, I’ve read Barbaric, and Stewart ain’t the voice I “heard” coming out of that axe…
- I guess we’re getting Shrek 5: The Donkey Show…
- More interestingly, it seems The Devil might still wear Prada, following this post from Meryl Streep!
So, I’ve got a confession to make: I’ve never seen a John Cena match. I mean, I’ve seen clips and read reports and all that, but I’ve never actually watched his in-ring action for any title or anything. Now, I consider myself a lifelong WWE fan. Notice I said “WWE”, and not “wrestling”. I’m a wrestling tribalist as big as they come, and I couldn’t give a shit about those other promotions. Never have. Wasn’t a WCW guy, even when they were #1. My wrestling begins and ends with the McMahon family, and all the problems that come along with that. That said, my fandom always seems to occur during the low points of the company. I wasn’t around when “The Rock’s Show” WWE SmackDown debuted on UPN. I missed the ENTIRE Attitude Era. Hell, I don’t even know much about Stone Cold’s rise to power. It seems like one day I was watching WWF Superstars and the next thing I knew the WCW guys were invading WWE. I remember how small The Rock looked compared to Booker T, and it sort of soured me on the product. A lot of folks on the street think Dwayne Johnson was always this huge monster, but I remember “Bitch Tits” Rock, before he got his gynecomastia taken care of.
I’ve missed all the high points, but have seemingly found my way back for the low ones. All that’s to say I missed John Cena’s whole career. I’ve probably seen more Steve Blackman matches than Cena matches. Still, I didn’t have to watch it to know that he was The Guy. Whether it was his early wigger gimmick to his later Fun Uncle Who Only Shows Up for Big Events persona, the entire federation was on his shoulders. So, that’s why it signaled the end of an era this week, when Cena announced his retirement run. After signing with WWE in 2001, his wrestling career will come to an end in 2025.
I don’t need to have seen him wrestle in order to understand his importance. I know about the title runs and the achievements. I know about his unsurpassed Make-A-Wish work. Plus, to cap it off, the retirement announcement kicked off Discovery’s Shark Week, of which he was also the host this year! Sure, WWE has spent the better part of a decade propping up The Rock’s cousin, but things will never be the same once Cena stops answering WWE’s calls. I can only hope he truly retires, a la Dave Bautista, and not “retires” like Ric Flair. In any case, it is without a doubt that John Cena had the West Week Ever.
