West Week Ever – 3/1/13

I had a bottle of Ruby Red Grapefruit juice last Saturday, and it brought on a rush of memories. Anybody else remember the early 90s, when the Ruby Red grapefruit apparently acquired its own agent? It was everywhere, and Ocean Spray was obsessing over it the way current celeb gossip sites worship sideboob. Where did all that come from? It was a fucking fruit. Had science JUST created/discovered the Ruby Red variety at that time? Was it the same scientist who discovered Blue Raspberry? If so, I’ll bet that fucker’s rich!

Speaking of weird cultural phenomena, I have a big issue with Hawaii. Ya see, I always thought it was a cool place, filled with pineapples, leis, and dudes named “Danno”. Then something weird happened around ’98-99. Two things converged, changing my opinion of Hawaii forever: the original Making The Band and Baywatch‘s 10th season. Most people think Making The Band started on MTV with Diddy, but that’s not true; ABC started the show, showcasing the creation of the boyband O-Town. This would be boyband mogul Lou Pearlman’s last shot at the big time, and it’s filled with some great moments (like the guys start wondering about their contracts when they see a news report about *NSYNC suing Lou over theirs -which the Backstreet Boys had done just years earlier). In the original lineup of the group, the “brooding, older brother role” (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a refresher) was filled by quiet, Hawaiian loner Ikaika. We got an inside look at Ikaika’s upbringing, which pointed out that Hawaii was kinda weird. Apparently, his family was almost musical royalty out there, akin to Don Ho and his “Tiny Bubbles”. He had an ambivalent attitude toward fame, and a weird girlfriend. Long story short, all his Hawaiian weirdness led him to quitting the group (NOTE: I once met a MTB producer who told me the real reason, but I ain’t trying to get sued. If Gawker wants to pay me, then I’ll bring out the top shelf material!). After all I saw of Ikiaka’s home life, it was clear Hawaii wasn’t all macadamia nuts and pogs. Then Baywatch made things worse.

It was pretty well-known that Baywatch was getting tired of Los Angeles, and production was going to be moved somewhere new (and cheaper) like Australia. For some reason, though, the nation originally formed as a penal colony gathered up every citizen and protested the arrival of Baywatch. Apparently, tiny red swimsuits would give the place a bad name. So, producers scrambled, and production was moved to Hawai’i. Yeah, see that fucking apostrophe?! Where the Hell did that come from? Apparently, Hawaii had just decided to get fancy on us. Was it always supposed to be spelled that way? Anyway, Hawaii was not a good fit for the Baywatch formula, as they apparently don’t have shark problems or smugglers down there. Instead, The Hoff opened a “top gun lifeguarding academy”. Lifeguarding requires training? I thought any white kid over the age of 13 could be a lifeguard. I mean, they all HAVE been lifeguards. It’s a “white of passage” (TM williambrucewest.com 2013). Hawaii shat all over the Baywatch legacy. Red suits were traded for yellow, the amazing “I’m Always Here” theme song was replaced by some Hawaiian drum shit, and, worst of all, it introduced us to Jason Momoa – the worst Hawaiian of them all! Many folks know Momoa from Stargate Atlantis (I’d say Conan The Barbarian, but nobody saw that), but he’s been around a lot longer than that. And with the exception of his Baywatch role, he always plays the same role as “silent, long-haired muscle warrior”. Why did Hawaii have to darken my screen with that guy? Why can’t it go back to being the beautiful, normal place George Jefferson went to lower his blood pressure? Is there no hope for Hawaii?!!

I didn’t really talk about this year’s Toy Fair, but there’s one thing I want to discuss: Mattel’s Batman ’66 line. While a lot of people are excited about it, this is one of the dumbest ideas ever in the creation of toys. Look, it’s cool to see, and I’m sure I’ll buy the Hell out of the ones I find. Note the end of that sentence: the ones I find. There’s no way this line is a success because they’re already handling it poorly out of the gate. This is a SPECIALTY item and not appropriate for mass retail. For folks who don’t understand what I’m saying, this is the kind of thing you should get from comic shops or Mattel’s Matty Collector website, but shouldn’t be sold at Toys “R” Us. One of the major arguments about Mattel’s market viability is the fact that they spent too much time catering to collectors and not to MOMS. After all, moms are the ones who buy toys, and not kids, so they gravitate to recognizable characters. This is why you have a Batman or Superman in every wave (if you’re smart), and you avoid $20 figures from a 30 yr old cartoon. This was the reasoning behind ending the sprawling DC Universe Classics, to rebrand as DC/Batman Unlimited, which focuses on those familiar characters. So, with that in mind, what mom wants to buy her kid “Middle Aged Paunch Batman”? It’s like Mattel’s setting the line up for failure, just so they can blame us for “not supporting the line”. All I’m saying is we better enjoy that first wave, ’cause I don’t see us ever getting an Egghead or King Tut figure. And for the figures that may have been tooled, but we haven’t seen, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them eventually end up on MattyCollector – where they should’ve been all along. And why NOW? It’s not an anniversary year for the series. I think this implies one thing: we’re finally getting DVDs. In any case, I’m very interested to see how this plays out.

Another week, another podcast – and I’m LOVIN’ it! Classick Material of The Cold Slither Podcast has finally spun off his own side project, with Classick Team-Up. This is a one-on-one interview series, and I was honored to be his very first guest. #1! #1! #1! We discussed everything from Spanish television to “CuntGate” to WWE, and more! I also probably owe some folks an apology (You know I don’t wanna edge you out, TimDogg98!). It’s probably one of my most candid pod appearances, so you’ll either LOVE it or HATE it. That’s just how I pizza roll. You can check it out here.

Oh yeah, before I go, FUCK GEORGE TAKEI! After my deGrasse Tyson takedown, I tweeted that George Takei was next. I hate everything about him on social media. His stuff is just NOT that funny, plus they say it’s really his husband behind all the tweets and facebook posts. All I know is this: if he had spent a fraction of his online energy on his acting career, maybe HE’D be the Priceline Negotiator. He needs to go somewhere and sit down, like Nichelle Nichols.

Links I Loved

Oscars Mixtape: Best Original Songs of the 1980s – Shezcrafti

The League Has Spoken: Happy Birthday! – Cool and Collected

Alright, Lets Discuss the DC Comics Robin Spoilers – Team Hellions

Providing The Grade: Justice League of America’s Vibe #1 – The Kliqnation

This Week’s Posts

Because Nobody Asked: Will On Comedy

Comical Thoughts: Nova #1

This Week’s eBay Auctions

One of them got in trouble for singing about boobs, while another was compared to a different part of female anatomy. One retired but got to continue living with his manservant, while the other resigned for serving man. But only one of them could have the West Week Ever:

Seth MacFarlane hit the big time start making a low-rated primetime cartoon for Fox. After its cancellation, Family Guy gained an audience in reruns, while Seth slept through his boarding call for American Airlines Flight 11 on the morning of September 11, 2001. Twelve years later, he’s got three animated series on Fox, he’s the highest paid writer on television, and he got the opportunity to host an event that’s simply not offered to everyone. Whether or not he did a good job (the debates are ongoing), he’s made the most of his “second chance”, and this is why Seth MacFarlane had The West Week Ever.