The beauty of writing these things when I do is that I get to miss the hype that accompanies the initial release. At that point, everybody’s writing about it and you run the risk of having your own opinion tainted by what you end up reading in those reviews. I read a lot of articles dedicated to this particular storyline, but luckily I no longer remember most of them. What I do remember is that most people hated the story, which sounds about right seeing as how most comic fans hate everything.
The Archie Wedding: Archie In “Will You Marry Me?” collects the eight-part headline making storyline where the ambivalent teenager finally puts an end to the 70 year old question: “Betty or Veronica?” The catch, however, is that he chooses both. Using a plot device that finds Archie walking up Memory Lane instead of down, he ends up getting a glimpse of his own future. Framed around Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”, Archie first chooses the path on the left, which shows him what his life would be like if he were to marry Veronica.
The Veronica Marriage turns out to be nowhere near as bad as I would’ve thought going into it. Considering Veronica has behaved like a spoiled bitch most of her existence, I expected her to make Archie’s life a living Hell. Instead, however, it seems that the marriage and partnership between Archie and Ronnie turns her into a kinder person, and they become a stronger unit for it. Mr Lodge sees potential in Archie, giving him a prestigious corporate job. Archie and Ronnie have twins. Archie, who next to Dick Clark is America’s oldest teenager, *gasps* becomes a responsible husband and father.
The thing I found funny about the whole affair is that up to the very point of proposal, the entire town had no clue which way he would go. Even Archie’s own parents only figured it out because the bank called to verify the amount of the check he had cashed to buy the ring, which indicated to them that he had chosen Veronica. There’s no indication that their relationship had really grown in the “missing years”, and it had the same impact as if he had simply proposed in high school.
After putting his twins to bed, Archie takes another stroll up Memory Lane, and ends up taking the other path. At this point, he finds himself back at the day of his college graduation, and he realizes that his future with Ronnie hadn’t (hasn’t?) happened. Here’s where things seemed a bit fucked up to me. You see, at the graduation afterparty, all signs point to Archie choosing Veronica. He even pulls her aside to talk with her, but she blows him off because all she can talk about is the European trip she’s about to embark upon. It’s at this moment that he realizes he’ll never fit into her jet set world. So, he slinks away from her only to cross the room and promptly propose to Betty. See, in the Veronica story, he was genuinely in love with Ronnie, but in the Betty story, he’s still in love with Ronnie, but *settles* for Betty. What a great foundation on which to build a marriage!
Archie’s parents seem bewildered by his choice. They were excited when it was Veronica, but freak out when it’s Betty. I think Mr & Mrs Andrews might’ve been a bunch of golddiggers. Also, Archie and Betty have no money, so their wedding is a small affair at Pop’s, while he and Ronnie had a media circus of a wedding. Once the festivities are over, Archie finds himself jobless, while Betty has a jr executive position waiting in New York. They move to the Big Apple, where Archie becomes a struggling musician, while Betty succeeds in the corporate world. He’s pretty miserable, which is only made worse one night when he’s berated by one of Betty’s superiors. Standing by her man, she tells off her boss, quits her job, and they move back to Riverdale. Gradually, things get a little better, as Betty begins teaching at Riverdale High, where Archie becomes the new music teacher. They both flourish in their new roles, and go on to have twins.
There are a lot of problems with this storyline, but the main one is that it’s simply not fun. Now, I realize that times have changed. While the comics do quite well in Europe, American children no longer grow up regularly reading Archie. That said, the books are still being published for that audience, yet this particular series clearly wasn’t written with children in mind. In fact, I’d be hard-pressed to know who is the target audience for the book. The general tone of it is “adulthood sucks”. There’s no real silver lining, nor is there an awesome ending. Give this thing to an emo teen, and he would promptly commit suicide, as its view on life is pretty bleak. If the book was geared towards adult Archie fans, then it’s still a slap in the face, as it serves as a mirror of their own mundane lives. It’s Archie’s lowest creative point since the time when he was featured in those Spire Christian Comics.
I now realize the story isn’t over, as this miniseries just served as a set-up to continued over time. There’s a new Life With Archie: The Married Life magazine which follows the adventures of Married Archie, both with Veronica and Betty. I just don’t know who would want to read more. It’s depressing, almost like certain Family Circle or Funky Winkerbean strips. For example, it’s just been revealed that Ms Grundy will succumb to cancer in an upcoming issue. Why?!! That’s like giving Mr. Belding Alzheimer’s?! Who the fuck wants to see that? This story is tailor made for the same people who always watched those Brady Bunch reunion movies. You know, where Bobby has a race car accident and Jan’s getting separated from her husband? It’s continuity porn for the mundane, and it never needed to exist.
I LOVE a good future tale, especially if there’s a chance that it might be the “definitive” future, but you use that format as an opportunity to take some chances! Say that Archie and Veronica tour the world as a Sonny & Cher-esque spin-off of The Archies. Say that Archie and Betty are saving pandas or some shit. Do NOT give Archie a 9 to 5 and a minivan!
I’m sure somebody out there was glad to see this, but I’m certainly not one of them. Then again, I want to think there’s more a more colorful future for Archie than the boring-ass shit depicted in this story. I did, however, like that Archie seemed to choose Veronica in both cases. Sure, it’s not balanced, but everyone loves a good bitch. Plus, you just know that Betty gets fat.
Great as usual
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