“And there ain’t no nothin’ we can’t love each other through”
(The following is a post that I wrote for TGRIOnline.com, my friend, Marcus’s culture blog)
Christmas songs. I know this is a bit of a hipster blog, so y’all might not be into the Christmas thing so much, but it’s hard to ignore at this time of year. There’s a constant race to see which radio station flips to the all-Christmas format first. Locally, that honor always goes to 97.1 WASH. They used to wait until the day after Thanksgiving, but it has gotten earlier and earlier in recent years. This year, WASH flipped formats on November 20th. At this rate, they’ll be flipping the day after Halloween by 2015 (that is, if the Mayan Armageddon doesn’t get us first).
When it comes to Christmas songs, I’m always surprised by how hard it is for new songs to gain acceptance. Sure, if you write a song about trees and family and snow, you can pretty much call it a “Christmas song”, but the public isn’t going to necessarily accept it. When you really break it down, there are really only about 25 different Christmas songs. The boyband du jour or some New Age artist might try to introduce something new, but when it comes down to it, people only want to hear those 25 prime songs (No, I’m not going to list them – you know the ones), which have been recorded and re-recorded by every artist under the sun. They’re mainly broken down into 2 categories: The Jesus Saga (Oh Holy Night, Silent Night, etc) and Secular Funnies (Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer, The 12 Days of Christmas, etc). That first category is pretty locked up – there are no more angles of The Jesus Saga left to explore, unless someone comes up with a song about aliens who watched the whole thing unfold. Even then, I think the Bible Belt would put that into the Secular Funnies category. If you want to break into the Christmas music scene, Secular Funnies is the category to aim for. The most recent Christmas song to really have any staying power is Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, and that was in 1994. Do you realize how long ago that was? That was like 4 Cher Farewell Tours ago! THAT’s how hard it is to make your dent on the holiday season.
I tend to have a love/hate relationship with Christmas songs. You see, growing up, I used to LOVE the season. My birthday is December 23rd, which was just far enough away from the 25th that I didn’t necessarily suffer from the 1-gift-for-2-occasions screwjob. I always considered my birthday to be the “day that we celebrated the magical birth of the baby Will”. And then, 2 days later, Jesus got his day, which also meant presents for the aforementioned Will. I milked that Santa train WAY longer than a sane person should, but my family thought it was cute, and it ensured maximum giftage. So, considering I felt the entire season was my own personal holiday, the soundtrack of carols and songs really contributed to the mood of things. Then, college happened.
In college, I was not what you might call a “model student”. Whenever people ask what I studied, I sometimes answer “I majored in a cappella”. That was what made me feel popular, and that’s where I had most of my friendships. So, I didn’t do the class/homework thing so well. I usually coasted along through a semester, and then not failing the class would hinge upon me not failing the final. I went to a competitive-ass school, so it’s not like there was a studying montage, and all of a sudden I had an A in the class. I usually gave up sleep, bathing, and my sanity for the better part of 2 weeks. I experienced stress I’d never felt before, because my entire future was hinging on this degree. How was I gonna be “not like all the others” if I didn’t graduate?! What would I do?!!! One year, I even pulled an all-weeker – I believe that we’re all given a set amount of all-nighters that we can endure in a lifetime, and I used up the balance of mine during a finals week. When the nosebleeds started for no reason, I knew that it was “Houston, we have a problem” time.
Anyway, throughout all of this uncivilized behavior, my soundtrack was Christmas music. I was trying to remind myself of the good aspects of the season, and all of the things I would experience after the finals, once I got back to Maryland. That stopped really working around Junior year. Then, a strange, Pavlovian thing took place – instead of helping me forget about the stress, the songs became synonymous with it. Now, when I hear those songs, it all comes rushing back. “Oh Holy Night” – walking home from the library, through the snow, at 1 AM. “The Grinch” – somehow tanking that Human Sexuality final (don’t worry, ladies – everything’s in order now *wink*). “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” – those aforementioned nosebleeds.
This is why I’m so interested in Christmas songs. I NEED new Christmas songs! Those old ones are tainted as Hell. I need something to come and take the pain away. I can’t keep reliving that trauma every damn year for the rest of my life. The only thing that saved that Mariah Carey song is that I love the shit out of Love Actually. So, I’m appealing to you, the hipster crowd, to save my life and record a Christmas song! That’s what was missing on Wale’s album: It could’ve been called “Under The Tree in the DMV”. Somebody get his people on the phone for me!
I ran long this time around, so I’ve only got one pop thing on my mind at the moment: Jason Derulo’s “Whatcha Say”. First of all, I fucking HATE how he just liberally samples Imogen Heap’s “Hide & Seek”. It’s so much of a sample, that he might as well have released it as “Jason DeRulo, feat Imogen Heap”. The main thing that gets me, though, are the lyrics. Yeah, I know in the past that I said I wasn’t a lyrics guy, but these just hit me over the head with a club. So, let me get this straight: he cheated on his girl, and now he’s apologizing, and promising her that he’ll take care of her when his career blows up. REALLY?
Dear Mystery Girl In The Song (and for you teenyboppers listening):
DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Right now, he’s a nobody and he cheated on you. You know who it was? It was that bitch, Sharonda, who works at the CVS on Saturdays. You know, the one who’s always chewing the gum! You knew she was acting like a bitch when you went in there for your relaxer. That bitch is fucking yo’ man! But get this, that mu’fucka’s only sorry he got caught. You really think he’s gonna take care of you when he becomes a star? Do you realize what kinda pussy he’s gonna be able to get THEN? Run, gurl! I don’t think you got nothin’ to worry about, though, ’cause that nigga can’t even write a whole song of his own. You do you, gurl!
Peace, Love, and String Cheese,
Will
