Women…

“Well, things like this make me sick, but in a case like this I’ll get away with it…”

So, where were we? Oh yes, Amani. Well, I meant to continue this about 2 weeks ago, but such is life. It’s a shame that this post has to come on Valentine’s Day because it’s going to make me come off as bitter. In any case, today’s topic is about wasted love. Rather, wasted energy for “love”.

You see, I look back on the things I regret, and one thing is the amount of energy I’ve wasted on relationships. Now, I know there are some of you out there who will say, “Well, it wasn’t wasted; it was a growing experience.” I don’t regret the relationships, but rather the amount of energy I put into them.

Here’s a little backstory. I’ve been with Shelly for nearly 2.5 years. That, by FAR, is my longest relationship. Everything in the past is a speck compared to that. Let’s see, Amani was about 6 months (in relation to 4 years of stalking; not the best ratio). Jennine was about 9 months, and Miranda clocked in around that time, as well. Now, when I think of all of the things that I stressed about in those relationships, it all seems so trivial. It’s kind of how everything in high school was some sort of life-changing, end of the world decision, when in hindsight, it was all just stupid.

Now, I’ve always been an invested boyfriend, but I’m also neurotic, which makes me UBER invested boyfriend. And that makes me worry about stuff I shouldn’t worry about. This leads me to not live in the moment, but in an unpredictable future. As always, I’m the guy who doesn’t enjoy the party until it’s almost over. I never seem to take Eric’s advice of, “Calm down, and enjoy the fucking dip”.

Amani and I finally got together around April of senior year (talk about cutting it close). And this was my first “relationship”, where there were actual dates and talk of the future. Well, anyone who’s seen American Pie can figure out how that ended up (Not “Jeem”; I’m talking about Tara and that kid from Rookie of the Year). I was so worried about what would happen when she went Stanford, while I’d be 3,000 miles away at Cornell. Sure, a lot of couples go through this, but I took it even further. We weren’t just going to college here; we were building a life, people! She had her fast-track plan to go to med school, and her residency, and blah, blah, blah. You see, I should have just settled on, “Are you going to forget about me in college? But, NO! I had to jump ahead to, “Where am I going to fit into your life while you’re in med school?”After mere weeks, I was seriously stressing about 8 years in the future! It sort of hurt more when she would say, “Well, you don’t seem to have a plan, so I can’t exactly plan around you.” She was right, but this didn’t exactly motivate me “properly”. It just made me stress over not having a plan. And you know, I didn’t care too much about that was I was NOT in a relationship, but here I was fabricating an on-the-fly lifeplan for “the love of my life” after our whirlwind 4 years of stalking and 8 weeks of dating. That, my friends, is what you call wasted energy.

Next up was Jennine. Now, she kind of fell from the sky. A lot of people don’t know this story, so allow me to elaborate. I had noticed her off and on at Cornell events because I was in a cappella, and she was in the Skits-o-phrenics, our sketch comedy group. Well, right after 9/11 we had this benefit where all of the groups performed. During rehearsal, I noticed her staring at me, but instead of getting a clue, I thought to myself, “Why is that bitch staring at me so much?”Ladies and gentlemen, William West. Yup, after the Amani thing (keep in mind, this is junior year and I was still kind of smarting from the demise of the actual Amani relationship…from 2 years prior! Wasted energy, my friends), I had pretty much given up the idea of anyone wanting to be with me, and I certainly didn’t feel like stalking down another girl.

Well, after the intervention of members of both groups, I found out that she thought I was cute. Well, what do you know. She was attractive, but I totally read her wrong. I thought she was this loud, Jersey chick with, like, 8 brothers who all wore gold chains and track suits. Instead, she turned out to be a somewhat vulnerable, brilliant girl from Miami. When I say “somewhat vulnerable”, I mean that she was not nearly as abrasive as she came off. She was “on” when onstage, but she was kind of a nerd offstage. A cool nerd, but a nerd nonetheless.

Our globetrotting courtship took us to West Campus, Wegman’s, and eventually Rome (how’s that for a jump?). But I was always insecure. She’s too smart for me. Her parents hate me ’cause I’m not Cuban. She lives with her ex-boyfriend. Now, while some of this may have been justified, it was a case of worrying about the future. Again. We’d been together about 9 months, but here I was worried about: where we would live after graduation, would I have to move to Miami, was she going to grad school, was she going to law school, would she find out that we had applied to the same secret society but I hadn’t told her because I feared she’d think it wasn’t too special if they’d invited me, what would I do during the day while she was in school, would I have to convert to seventh-day adventist. All of this shit. Now, when you’re in a relationship, you might think of these things, but not obsess over them. Especially just after the 6 month mark. That relationship didn’t make it to senior year, so all of that woe and worry was for naught.

Then, we had Miranda, the Southern belle of Chi Omega. Now, if you’re from the South, you might be thinking, “Oooh…Chi Omega!” But if you’re from Cornell, you’re thinking “Eeewww..Chi Omega!” Yup, this was the redheaded stepchild chapter of the entire sorority. In fact, I do believe there were a couple of redheaded stepchildren. And loud Jewish girls.

In any case, this was another “relationship from nowhere”, but eventually, I found that I was falling back into my old ways. She wanted to go into Public Relations, but I didn’t want to move to NYC. I was a year ahead of her (yet a day younger; go figure!), so what was I supposed to do while waiting for her? Luckily, she hated home and seemingly most of her family, so I wouldn’t have to worry about them fucking up my shit. She could be such a drama queen at times, where I could be her anchor. There’s nothing an insecure person needs more than security. If she fell to pieces, and I was the one to pick them back up, I was solid. Yes, I know that sounds twisted, but this is full disclosure here. It’s taken me 4 years, but I think I finally understand the dynamics of that relationship.

You see, in my history, I have made these girls my world. You ever hear a cheesy song where the guy says, “I’m gonna make you my world?” Yeah, that’s me. So, everything else kind of goes to shit and I focus on that relationship, which is good and bad. Good because one should be attentive in a relationship. Bad, because one should not go to the point of obsession. One should NOT always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. In all h0nesty, I tie it back to Amani. Stupid, I know, but that was the one that started us on this ride. It has taken me this long to realize that “comfortable” is not a bad thing.

Seeing as how I could become obsessive, I was a wreck when I graduated and came home. Once again, I felt that I had come ahead and it was my responsibility to get a job and start a life for me and Miranda that would be waiting when she graduated. Once again, it was all about “us”. Now, this was complicated by the fact that she could be a drama queen (did I mention that?) combined with the fact that this added pressure was driving me insane. Literally. This hurt when she once said, “You know, you should talk to a professional about this; they’re paid to listen.” That shifty bitch. Here I was, preparing to give her the world after our 9 months of courtship! Hell, it wasn’t longer than an extended warranty, but here I was investing my emotions, time, energy, etc into this relationship. Well, that one didn’t last long enough for her to graduate, so once again, wasted energy.

Once again, allow me to clarify. I’m not bitter. That would imply that I’m not happy where I am, relationship-wise, which I am. I merely look back because I think I could be *better* in relationships. At the same time, it might simply be the law of diminishing returns. I tried to put so much into those past relationships that I eventually got less than I was putting in. It’s merely the “prinicple of least interest”. Jeff has heard this a LOT from me, but that principle merely states that the person with the least interest in a relationship holds the most power. I was giving up power by investing so much, so early. Even if you don’t subscribe to that theory, after all that you’ve read, it’s pretty obvious that a) those girls weren’t right for me and b) I could’ve fared a lot better if I hadn’t taken everything so hard and so personal. It’s not just that I was giving up power, but I was giving up a part of myself. Just like the Amani situation, where I subjected myself to the self-deprecation of looking like a loser douchebag because this girl didn’t like me, I feel like I gave too much of myself in these relationships without equal return. I gave parts of myself that were neither reciprocated, nor would I get them back. I lost of lot of myself in those dealings, and had I been a stronger person, I might be a stronger person now.

What can I say? I’m a sensitive person. Looking back, I wasted a lot of energy and a lot of stress. Sure, there were good times, but when I look back, I see those times buried amongst times shrouded in stress and self-doubt. Now, I’m trying a different approach. You see, when I first started seeing Shelly, I fell into the same sort of stuff after awhile. I was looking at an old IM message this morning, and I was reminded of that person. “Always gotta be funny, always gotta be sarcastic ’cause that’s my charm”. But it’s NOT my charm. It’s a show, and when the show is over, people will either want more or they will want none. I always used to worry about the show ending, but those relationships didn’t last long enough for that to be a real concern.

With Shelly, my “show” got old awhile ago, but I saw that she wasn’t going anywhere. This relationship has lasted longer than all of the priors put together, and I’ve burned through most of that self-doubt and whatnot. I think I’ve learned that, for the relationships that matter, you really can’t worry about the little stuff. For the three I listed above, they simply weren’t where I thought they were nor were they going where I thought they should. I’m there now, and Lord knows I’ve subconsciously tried to sabotage this thing any way that I could. And she’s still here. And I still love her. So, I’m going to try to stop being all neurotic about bullshit. Especially “young bullshit”. She is the real deal, and there’s no need for all of the stuff that came before to be projected on her. I just wish I’d saved all of that wasted energy for her.

So now, I guess it’s time for my Ridgemont High-style “where are they now?” credits roll…
I don’t want to be too cruel, so let’s go for halfassed match game:

A) After roaming the world, decided that there was so much life that she hadn’t experienced. Apparently, I was holding her back. Aye Caramba! She went on to marry to her exboyfriend, who turned out to be the true love of her life.

B) Realized that college was such a new and confusing place, and she didn’t need anyone far away getting in the way of her fun…which was leading Chinese Bible Study. Actually decided to pursue law, and currently works in the area for some kind of NFP. Aman…I mean, Amen.

C) Got drunk & high on New Years and ended up fucking her best friend’s boyfriend. Next to her passed out best friend. Her cheatin’ heart… Let’s hope she at least repaired THAT friendship. I’ve yet to see a press release…