“If I ever make an independent film, I think I’m going to call it ‘Dorito Breakfast’.”
So, I was flipping through channels the other night, and I stumbled upon the all-new Real World: Denver. Denver! Break out the champagne. Let me take this opportunity to say that it pisses me off to no end that they’re doing everything in their power to stay away from DC. I guess there aren’t enough tanning salons in the area for them to have the obligatory “group job”.
Anyway, it’s your standard Real World mix:
1)”Aryan Hot” White Guy
2)”Grunge Hot” White Guy
3)”Athlete/Player” Black Guy
4)”Might Be Gay” Black Guy
5) “Hot Girl Who’s Not Really That Hot” Girl
6)”Actually Hot, with Bi-Sexual Tendencies” Girl
7)”MTV pulled a She’s All That and Made Her Hot” Girl.
Well, as all first episodes of this show go, they all meet, drink, and are eager about all the great fun they’re gonna have! Whoo-hoo! Keep in mind, this is before they’ve singled out who they’re going to hate/hate on/cheat on/drunkenly curse out. Nope, this point is consumed by “I’m so gonna get drunk and hook up with him/her” thoughts.
Well, after the first night of “I can’t believe I drank so much/I can’t believe I hooked up with him/She’s got a hot body, but I’m not really looking for anything serious”, the seeds begin to sprout for the season’s drama. But in the midst of it all, they decide to go out for a nice lunch together.
Now, during lunch, we find out that Arayan White Guy is Obligatory RW Gay Guy! And here I had my money on Black Guy #2. But get this: Black Guy # 2 goes OFF. And this isn’t even the Athlete/Player Black Guy. This is “Might Be Gay” BG. Turns out he’s really religious and conservative, and he can’t wrap his head around this gay Southern boy who admits to being a Christian, despite his orientation. BG#2 isn’t having any of this. First off, he can’t understand the lifestyle, but then he can’t deal with the dude having the wherewithall to call himself a person of God. He ends his tirade saying, “I just can’t…I didn’t think things were going to be like this.”
Um, ok. I call “Shenanigans!” I know it all makes for good TV, but this show has been around for 21 seasons! At least 19 of them have had gay housemates. When you send in your little videotape, you know exactly what the fuck you’re getting yourself into. You can’t act surprised when the gay guy shows up! You just can’t. In fact, it’s become a new part of the orientation process, where the first people to the house play everyone’s favorite game: “I Wonder Which One’s Gonna Be Gay.” You don’t wonder if a housemate’s gonna be gay; you anticipate it. The only time you are allowed to be surprised is when you end up with two (RW: Philly, anyone?). That is a rare, wild card situation. But if they get drunk enough, one of the two will still hook up with the hottest girls, you know…because they’re “safe”, so the ratings are therefore saved.
So, here we are, left with one of the most predictable shows still on TV. I mean, TV doesn’t have many rules left: Jack Bauer will always save the day, the miltary contestants on The Price is Right always mysteriously win, and RW will always give us the entertaining yet predictible mix of “You’re a racist!”, “I love you!”, “It’s a sin!”, “I’m SO sorry!” and everyone’s favorite, “That’s just not what I’m looking for at this time in my life.”
But I’m still not giving up on my earlier prediction on BG#2. He just might be gay, and this whole act is some kind of self-loathing, not-ready-to-come-out response. But they’re only there for 18 weeks, so I guess I’ll just have to wait for the inevitable Challenge appearance to see if the experience changes him any. Then again, if he makes it to the Challenge, it just means he’ll be more of an asshole by then. Really, it’s not like they ever invite the “nice” ones to the Challenge…
