“I’ma do my thing, while you’re playin’ with your…”
So, where exactly does one learn porn store etiquette? Allow me to clarify. Get ready for an AWKWARD tale, but if it entertains, I’ve done my job.
So, the other day I went to comic shop #2, as I do most Wednesday evenings. The owner recently retired, and another guy has taken his place. The funny thing is, the “new guy” isn’t new at all. He actually worked there about 8 yrs ago, and just kinda disappeared after awhile. Let me paint a picture of him for ya. He’s built kind of like “Toad” from the X-Men movies/comics, except he possesses none of the martial artestry of the great Ray Park. In fact, my friend Brett started calling him Toad back in the day. He’s a scrawny little guy with a hump on his back. If I ever become a mad scientist, this guy is definitely gonna be my lab assistant. Anyway, I kinda feel bad for the poor guy. He’s an OLD, hunchbacked man, who works in a comic shop. Plus, he’s not exactly a catch with the ladies, due to the qualities that I’ve just listed. I’ve heard him lament as to how lonely he was. Well, back to the story.
I picked up my comics, and he was working as usual. When I was done, I was kind of bored and didn’t really feel like going home yet. Well, comic shop #2 is located in sort of a geek/introvert mecca. There’s a comic shop, a used toy shop, and an adult book store all within feet of one another. I mean, this corner of the world is guaranteed to keep parents’ basements occupied for years to come. So, I decide to pop into the good old adult book store. Sure, you all may be about to launch into, “Will, you’re such a perv”, but you can either complain, or shut up and listen to the story.
As an aside, why are they still considered adult “book stores”. Books now make up only about 1/3 of their merchandise. That’s like calling The Gap a “khaki store”. Also, why do people complain about the price of gas when porn’s so expensive? I mean, that is highway robbery! But I feel that the recording industry could learn a thing or two from the adult entertainment industry. Think about it, porn can be acquired for free online, yet the industry still thrives while charging $35-40 a disc. But I’m getting way off-topic here.
So, I’m in the place, and I’m really just getting a kick out of looking at the insane merchandise. I mean, I’m not the guy who’s trolling for his evening entertainment. I just find the whole concept amusing. Wow, they make blow-up dolls of porn stars, and people buy them?! God bless America!
I’m just browsing, and I hear footsteps coming up the back stairs of the store. I turn around, and who do I see? Yup, it was Toad. Now, what does one do in this situation? In any other setting, you would smile, say hi, and exchange meaningless banter. But this is not a typical environment. You don’t say, “Hey, *insert name*. Check out this gangbang over here!” So, I kinda smile/smirk at him, but I think I just knocked the wind out of his sails. Here he was, minding his own business, and he was “found out” by one of his best customers. But things quickly went from “awkward” to “batshit crazy”.
He kind of pretends not to see me, and then he goes about his browsing. But get this, he immediately goes over to the “oddities” section. That’s right, he’s not just a porn fan, but he’s also a perv. For the uninformed, “oddities” includes pregnant chicks, midgets, etc. Yup, that hole was being dug deeper and deeper.
Now, I was about to have some fun. I was the ultimate cockblock…in the porn shop. Oooh…how evil. I was always a couple of steps behind him, and it sort of ruined his train of thought. Hell, I was there first, and I wasn’t about to miss this. I was just killing time, but now the fun was about to begin. He continued to browse the oddities, and I decided to move along and give him his time. Then, out of nowhere, the Smooth Jazz station of the store’s radio started playing “How Great Thou Art”. Now, Smooth Jazz in a porn shop is almost the pinnacle of cliches, but it takes on a new meaning when the station is playing a jazzed up Christian hymn, as you’ve just discovered your vice dealer’s odd fetish.
I’ve got to say, though, after a bit, I started to feel bad. I had clearly ruined his fun and his night. All he was was a lonely comic dealer who wished to have some entertainment, and I had taken that from him. He tried to go about his business, but one could tell that he was uncomfortable. I kinda stationed myself near the register just to see what he’d eventually settle on. Maybe we’d strike up a conversation. “Hey man, thanks for saving me that copy of ‘Batman’ this week. Hey, great choice. The money shot there is truly a work of art.” Noticing my location in the store, he stayed near the back, until he finally left through the back door, no porn in hand.
So, yeah, I guess I suck since I derived pleasure from kinda ruining his night, but what was I supposed to do? I mean, the usual beauty of those situations is that there’s no blackmail potential. I can’t chastise him for being there because I was there, too. But we had different motives. I was there just to kill time, while he was there to shop. I left empty-handed, but pleased. I don’t think the same could be said for him. So, I guess the question is, Where DOES one learn proper porn shop etiquette, and did I commit a major faux pas?
