Rescue Heroes: Role Models For Kids or Porn Stars Waiting To Happen?

“Whatchu gon’ do wit all dat breast?”

So, anyone who knows me knows I have a dirty mind. I see sex everywhere, and I should probably be in some kind of therapy for that. In any regard, tonight, I felt that my thoughts weren’t my own fault, but the fault of Fisher-Price.

Has anyone out there heard of “Rescue Heroes”? If not, they’re these super-deformed action figures made specifically for younger kids. Emerging from the post 9/11 Hero craze, they tend to focus on firemen, cops, and other emergency workers. Well, their names are usually puns, but tonight I realized something else: they’ve all got porn star names.

I know you’re thinking, “Sure, Will….porn star names…”, but it’s true. These things could be passed off as something innocent, but I just know that the designers at Fisher-Price are laughing their asses off that they actually snuck these things into stores. I actually kinda know the director of market research, and I’m half tempted to e-mail him and ask him directly.

Think I’m crazy? Allow me to list the current assortment of “Rescue Heroes”. And no, I did not make up any of these; I only wish I were that gifted:

-Rex Steel
-Rock Miner
-Perry Chute
-Cole Burns
-Seymour Wilde
-C.D. Moon
-Holden Breath
-Jack Hammer
-Rivet (I kid you not!)
-Val Cano
-Telly Photo
-Clamp Down (I swear!)
-Back Hoe (I swear it again!)
-Swinger (even that one surprised me!)
-Kenny Ride (the Black guy)
-Warren Waters
-Captain Cuffs (kinky!)
-Ariel Flyer
-Sandy Beach
-Moe Zambeek (surprisingly NOT a Black guy; still has a porno ‘stache, though)

But get this, there’s also a suped-up line of figures, called “The Dual Tool Team”! These include:

-Dual Tool Team: Rip Rockefeller
-Dual Tool Team: Gil Gripper
-Dual Tool Team: Rocky Canyon

and the main vehicle for this line is the “2-in-1 Ultra Light Vehicle”

But my Personal Favorite has to be “Force of Nature”, Roger Houston

So, there ya have it. Bratz Dollz make your daughters grow up to be trendy, superficial bitches, while Rescue Heroes start your sons off on the road to the wonderful world of skin flicks. Man, if they ever merge the Bratz line with the Rescue Heroes, I SWEAR teen pregnancy rates will skyrocket. And we’ll only have Fisher-Price to blame…

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