“I don’t hate the culture; I hate the people…”
There are two types of people I tend to attract in this world: Gay guys and Entrepreneurs. Allow me to explain.
You know those guys, starting their own businesses who try to talk to you on the street? Those guys seem to think I’m some kind of gullible fool. I’ve had them follow me into bathrooms, follow me through Metro cars, approach me at work. Hell, maybe they’re Gay Entrepreneurs now that I think of it! Regardless, they always come at me with the same spiel:
“Hi, my name is ______. I’m currently starting my own business, and I wondered if you might know anyone looking for a position in my company. No? Well, how about you? May I ask if you’re employed, part-time or full-time? And how long have you been there? OK, well, are you in school? Oh, you graduated…and where did you graduate from? (Cornell…they pause.) Wow, OK…that’s a good school….great school…*pauses again*…So, what did you study? So, do you plan to be doing this for long? Well, if you’re interested, I’m not trying to sell you anything or get any money from you. I’d just like to set up a time to talk to you in more detail about what we do. What do we do? “Financial services…”
OK, so, here’s where I suck. 3 out of 5 times, I’ll actually give them the number. WHY? Becuase I work RETAIL and I love a good get rich quick scheme as much as the next guy. But here’s how they blow theur credibility with me:
This exact exchange happened last Monday, from some guy named Olu. Nice enough kid, but he looked like a New Edition reject. Not like he was really going to be going places anytime soon. But I humored him. I noticed he had a friend hanging in the background, waiting for him to complete the “sale”. So, he said he’d call me in a few days. He did, and right after he asked, ‘May I speak to Will?”, I hung up on him. Didn’t say anything. Just hung up. It seemed the right thing to do.
So, the next day, Olu’s friend came into H&M, which is prohibited by the way, under the guise that he was looking for his “brother” in the fitting room. So, after a few seconds of that ruse, he started with the spiel. I humored him, but he disappointed me. He asked where I had gone to school, and I told him Cornell. His response? “What’s that? I never heard of that.” STRIKE!
How am I supposed to think you know ANYTHING business-related and you don’t know what/where Cornell is?!! Yeah, I’m a snob and I know there are non-collegiate success stories (Just check The Apprentice III), but ARRRGGHH!!! And here’s the kicker: He’s from NY! It’s not like he was from Montana or whatever. He should know! I told him it was a school about 5 hours outside of NYC, but he just kinda shrugged. Dealbreaker – Game Over.
So, I ended it there. I asked, “Hey, aren’t you Olu’s friend?” He tried to play dumb. “Who?”
“Olu, black dude. He gave me the same pitch two days ago. Dude, you were WITH him!”.
“I don’t know nobody named Olu. I know a dude named ‘O’.”
“Well, is he Black? Is there a Black dude named ‘O” in your company?”
*pause*…”Yeah….’O’s in my company. But he’s the Silver Spring Office and I’m in Gaithersburg.”
OK, first, these mutherfuckas ain’t GOT no office. That means “O lives in Silver Spring, and he calls from his bedroom.” Also, I don’t do business in Gaithersburg. Anybody out there been to Gaithersburg recently? Oh yeah, nothing but success stories! (S0rry, Christina!)
Anyway, here’s their Kryptonite: just ask them how successful they’ve been with the business. I’ll make a $20 guarantee that they won’t tell you. They’ll give you the runaround and come up with all kinds of excuses, but they’ll never come to you with, “I paid off all my loans in 6 months, and no I’s buying a boat!” They’ll say that they can’t tell you. Or they’ll refer you to their Grand Poobah leader who can give you the information that they cannot. Either way, if they were so successful, I don’t think they’d be recruiting at H&M. Yeah, I know SO much about business, what with all that shit priced at $14.90….
