If there was ever a risk of the Nerd population being in danger, tonight is the night. You see, the horn-rimmed elite will all be huddled together in one place: The opening of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Why do I criticize Potter fans so? Well, in case I haven’t written about this before (it’s been a year, so I’m starting to forget all my rant topics), I HATE HARRY POTTER. I think JK Rowling is a hack. I don’t see anything original about this franchise. In fact, I feel all of her ideas are culled from the classic works of Roald Dahl (“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, “Matilda”, “James and the Giant Peach”). Dahl died a pauper, and a suspected child molester, while Rowling is wiping her butt with hundreds (which are in pounds, not dollars, so it’s a lot more than you think it is!).
Wow, beans that taste like anything! Great job, JK. You ever had a gobstopper in your life?!! Plus, who cares if they taste like anything? “Oh no, this one tastes like grass!!” Real original, you British twit.
Harry’s introduction to Hogwarts is a complete reinterpretation of Charlie’s introduction to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
Wow, Harry’s aunt and uncle treat him like shit. Boo, hoo, hoo! In “Matilda”, her parents treated her like shit until…wait, she discovered she had magical powers. Sound familiar?
I also hate what the HP franchise stands for. Initially, it was commendable if only for the sole fact that it was getting children to read. The first batch were those NPR kids, whose hippy parents wouldn’t let them watch TV, so it was a preferred form of entertainment. Next came the soccer moms, and the busy professionals reading on their commutes to work. Soon, HP Mania spread across the land. But why? Ok, they’re decent reads, but why ain’t I seeing a Hardy Boys movie in the works? Or the Boxcar Children? To me, that’s the level HP is on.
I also hate that the franchise has sold out. As I said before, it inspired people to read. But to make movies, they’re cutting out the middle man. Sure, the vast majority of people are gonna do the whole read/watch comparison. But many people are just gonna wait for the movies. Then, Mattel got the license to produce HP action figures. The HP brand gained momentum simply by appealing to the no TV, no action figure crowd. Now, all of a sudden, there are HP action figures! That’s like opening the country club up so the ghetto kids can have a run of the place: Yeah, it might sound nice in theory, and be a pretty sweet tax write-off, but you’re still gonna be picking up cans of grape soda for weeks to come. What I’m saying is that, yeah, you’ve got a franchise that now appeals to everyone, but does that cause the HP franchise to lose integrity? Also, why the Hell is it so popular? It’s becoming the literary equivalent of Apple Jacks: You ask anyone why they love HP, and they simply reply, “We just do, that’s all.”
Well, I guess it’s good to know that crack now comes in more forms than rock and powder ’cause I see this as the same thing. Y’all enjoy your addictions for now, but it’s only a matter of time before Rowling kills Harry in the last book, leaving you jonesing for a fix, and finally realizing she’s nothing but a children’s John Grisham: she’s feeding you shit you’ve shat before and you’re too dumb to realize it.
And don’t worry, Mr. Dahl. I’m still lauding your praises. I know you didn’t touch those kids…
