I hate what podcasts and streamers have done to the “documentary”. They used to be these meticulously researched undertakings, sometimes in black & white, and narrated by a monotone Brit. Then Serial came along, kicking off the True Crime explosion, and then everything had to be sexy and flashy. It wasn’t always like this, though. Growing up, Ken Burns was the Gold Standard of documentaries. When you heard that name, you knew you were in for a boring 8-12 hour ride, but you’d end up smarter than when you started. Now, anyone with Google thinks they’re about to crack the next Watergate, and they’re cutting a LOT of corners in the process. I’ve felt this way for a while, but what really stoked the flames this week was that I listened to the latest season of a podcast called Queen of the Con, where the topic was “professional shoplifters”. Eight episodes later, I can say that the show was wholly unfocused, and borderline irresponsible – sort of insane, given this is its sixth season!
I’m new to Queen of the Con, but this season – titled “California Girls” – caught my interest, as the show was going to cover the secret world of professional shoplifters. Unlike the folks who just sort of grab things for the “rush”, professional shoplifters are “boosting” in high volume, usually selling their ill-gotten wares to a “fence”, who will resell the stuff for a profit. The fence is Fagin to a bunch of professional Oliver Twists. The show discussed Michelle Mack, a multimillionaire fence who’d supposedly built her empire on the backs of homeless operatives. She had been caught by the feds at the end of 2023, and all the cops involved couldn’t believe she was the mastermind behind the whole operation. “She’s WHITE! Criminals are never WHITE! How were we supposed to know?!” That’s the gist of every cop interviewed, and there’s no pushback whatsoever by the host, Johnathan Walton. He just sort of agreed that Mack “didn’t fit the profile”, which bothered me because if you’re ever dealing with organized crime in America, there is a white person at the very top. Even if you wanna say “the top” is the CIA. I know some of you want to call me racist on that one, but it’s true simply because minorities aren’t organized enough, nor do they have the resources or opportunity, to “mastermind”. The richest black person you know still had a white person behind their rise. So already this thing was built on a shaky foundation.
Next, Walton put an ad on Craigslist, offering $1,000 to any professional shoplifter willing to be interviewed. When he finally lands one, he applies the voice change filter and lets her rip. This girl – clearly white – was shoplifting with her boyfriend, and they sold their wares to a fence. She explained that it’s almost gamified, in that the boosters receive certain dollar amounts for the things they steal, and they are given shopping lists by the fences. Her sob story was that her dad died, resulting in mom kicking her out of the house. She was homeless for a while, where she met up with boosters, and they initially paid her and the boyfriend to be their getaway drivers. Eventually, she was let in on the scheme, and started boosting items for the fence, as well. She explained the ins and outs, like “reverse sales” (when you find a receipt outside of a store, take it inside, find the same item, and try to return it for cash), and Walton is buying the sob story. He’s all “Well, you had no choice, and I can tell you’re a smart girl. I’m sure you could do anything you put your mind to doing.” And I’m listening, like, “Dial it down, Donahue!” If you actually hear the details of why she ended up homeless, she clearly left some stuff out, and her story is more complex than they want the listener to believe.
To really understand why Walton would be sympathetic, I had to do some research on him. He started this whole podcast because he, himself, had been the victim of a con artist, so now this is his “thing”. While he may have intimately known the details of his own case, he is all over the place here, grasping at straws. This leaves the series without a clear focus. Once he turns his attention to the Mack case, he crosses some lines that not only lack integrity, but also may be illegal. Determined to get a quote from Mack, he drove down to San Diego and sat outside the courthouse for hours, just hoping to catch a glimpse of her. When he finally spotted her, he pounced, and she understandably declined to cooperate. But even his questioning didn’t come off like he was a seasoned reporter, but rather some keyboard warrior who was in over his head. Then, when he found out Mack has put her house on the market, in order to pay her legal bills, he and a friend decided to pose as construction workers to gain access to the property. In fact, there’s an entire episode dedicated to him shopping for a wig for his disguise. Totally unnecessary!
At 8 episodes, it’s a decompressed messed, trying to create drama where there was none (“We were running from the cops!” No, you just heard sirens in the distance.), while wasting valuable time on trivial things. Seeing as how the Mack case is pretty much resolved by episode 6, the final 2 episodes were clearly just contractually obligated by iHeart.
In episode 7, Walton interviews a loss prevention agent, who proclaims that “loss prevention is my life”, indicating that you’ll probably never meet a bigger loser in your life. The guy boasts how he’s done loss prevention everywhere from Target to Universal Studios. He missed the “old days”, when you could actually tackle a guy, but now stores are too concerned with “image”, so you have to “customer service” (verb) shoplifters. When asked about his time at Universal Studios, he decides to go on a tangent about how he was also tasked with looking for “ChoMos”, which was their slang for child molesters. And Walton, foolishly, decides to ask him for advice on what to look for when looking for ChoMos. THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE HERE FOR! Plus, the guy’s advice was horrible: “You’re gonna look for a guy who’s alone, probably wearing shorts, and he’ll just be staring at the kids.”
Anyway, the series started by trying to make the audience feel bad for the poor homeless people, forced to steal to survive, yet being taken advantage of by the rich getting richer. In the final episode, however, Walton interviews a detective who really downplayed the existence of these large-scale operations. While they may exist, most shoplifters are doing it for the rush. And when they’re homeless, they’re doing it to survive, and not as a pawn in some big country club conspiracy. In fact, he even tried to say that when the cops in his department bust a homeless person stealing food, the cops will pay for the food! Sure, Jan. So, if the homeless aren’t being recruited, for these large boosting rings that don’t actually exist, do you mean we just wasted the past 7 hours?
Scrambling to retain some sort of narrative, Walton floats that the true victims are us, the customers shopping at those stores, as we’ll be subjected to higher prices as the stores work to cover their “shrink”. And I found that to be a problematic dog whistle, as the pod never really discusses the corporations themselves. When the Craigslist booster was being interviewed, she and her compatriots basically justify it with “These stores have insurance. That’s what it’s for.” To them, it’s simply a victimless crime. But it’s not that simple. Shit is too expensive. And that’s not entirely the result of “inflation” or “the rising cost of materials”. That boils down to corporate greed. Companies are boasting of record profits, but that’s because they’ve found corners to cut, like converting their stores over to self checkout. Prices went up, but not out of necessity. It was almost a test to see how much folks were willing to pay, and they’ve finally gotten enough data to adjust their levels. So, now they’re coming out, saying they’re going to lower prices to make things more affordable for their customers, but no one ever discusses that they were the ones who raised the prices in the first place, for no justifiable reason. It’s a circle. So, if the goods being stolen are predominantly being taken by the homeless and the cash-strapped – and not a sexy group of operatives in lululemon – then these stores simply created their own villain. Congratulations, you’re Tony Stark. Anyway, this was a terrible hack job of a podcast, but I don’t really blame Walton, but rather the sad state of the modern documentary. Make Documentaries Boring Again!
Trailer Park
The Studio (Apple TV, March 26)
I was recently talking on social media about how I hate that a lot of modern trailers don’t make it clear whether they’re for a movie or a series. Some of these ideas I could stomach for 2 hours, but not for 5 hours split over 10 episodes. If you’re a regular here, you already know the deal: I don’t have Apple TV. Don’t even want it. I feel like Apple has locked in on a very specific demographic, and it ain’t me. Basically, if you’re a middle aged white man with a thriving 401K, then you’re gonna love what they’ve got in store for you! That said, this looks just like The Franchise, which recently premiered on HBO to no fanfare. Sure, that series deals with the bullshit involved in making a superhero movie franchise, but it’s the same “inside baseball” shit. We just know too much about The Process these days, mainly because everyone has a podcast or this sort of “satire” to tell us about it, step by step. I don’t always need to know how the sausage is made, and I don’t think these studios understand that the audience doesn’t relate to these unfulfilled studio exec characters that they keep centering these shows around. We’re supposed to feel bad for Seth Rogen because he got his dream job, but it has turned out to not be as great as he expected. Welcome to LIFE, bitch!
Back In Action (Netflix, January 17)
Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz? Are we sure this wasn’t filmed in 2004, and Netflix just found the footage in an abandoned storage unit? Seriously, that’s some dated casting right there. I mean, they both look great, but I’m not reading any chemistry between them whatsoever. I’ve never considered myself a cinephile, but I don’t love what Netflix has done to film. Yeah, they’ll pump some money into them, and they’ve locked down “name” stars, but they just feel so soulless. It’s a bombastity that feels unearned. You know how you see the latest Transformers film, and it’s sort of an empty spectacle, but you sort of give it a pass because Michael Bay has produced, like, 10 of them by now and you knew what you were getting into? That’s how I feel from pretty much EVERY Netflix Original, and they simply haven’t been doing it long enough. I know those checks are attractive, but I hope the next generation of actors and filmmakers tells Netflix to kick rocks.
Dirty Angels (Theaters/On Demand, December 13)
Who keeps providing Lionsgate with funding?! I could do a regular feature called “Look At This New Piece of Shit from Lionsgate!” This feels like propaganda, but it’s not entirely clear whose ‘ganda it’s proppin’. It’s the kind of film that wants to have a message while still somehow staying inoffensive to either side of a debate. It’s pretty heavy-handed, with its “The people of Afghanistan stoned her, but now she’s back to save their women, who are their most oppressed, yet may prove to be their strongest asset” vibe. Visually, it looks like the kind of show I used to watch on Saturday afternoons, after Tia Carrere’s disappointing Relic Hunter. It’s totally got a weekend syndication, edgy female A-Team thing going on, but I don’t know if that’s enough to make it watchable.
Things You Might Have Missed This Week
- The Bad Guys™ keep winning, as Jake Paul defeated Mike Tyson in a streamingly-challenged Netflix bout last Friday night. Well, I guess they’re both bad guys? I know Mike did some stuff, but it seems like we all forgave him once he got that Adult Swim cartoon. Kinda like we did with Snoop, when he started hanging out with Martha Stewart.
- Wrestler CM Punk will be joining the cast of Syfy’s upcoming adaptation of the comic Revival, ensuring that I will never watch a single episode.
- On SiriusXM’s Andy Cohen Live, Jaleel White confirmed that he had declined an offer to reprise his character Steve Urkel in a potential reboot of Family Matters. He clarified that they wanted him to sign on without a concept or script, for less money, and he felt that the TGIF brand of humor was “a sinking ship”.
- Speaking of TGIF, in one of the most tone deaf moves I’ve seen since Nancy Pelosi showed up to work in Kente cloth, John Stamos visited his buddy/former Full House castmate Dave Coulier, following his recent cancer revelation, wearing a bald cap. He said he did it out of “solidarity”, but critics were quick to point out that true solidarity would entail him actually shaving his head. He would have been better off had he done nothing at all!
- Comcast announced plans to spin off their cable networks into a separate entity. The company will retain NBC News, NBC Entertainment and Bravo (can’t lose the Housewives), but CNBC, MSNBC, Syfy, E!, Golf Channel, Oxygen, USA (as well as Fandango and Rotten Tomatoes) are getting kicked to the new company, with their futures uncertain.
Sometimes, I look back at these things, and think, “Wow, was this really the best thing the week had to offer pop culture?” I mean, this is meant to be something of a “moment in time” capture of what’s going on, but there can be some real duds. I guess an MCU film can’t come out every week (Not that Disney wouldn’t do it if they thought they could pull it off!). So, I end up really having to take a long look at the week to figure out what stood out. This week, I was pointed in the right direction by a friend of mine, who asked “Is Domingo going to get the West Week Ever?” I immediately scoffed, but the longer I thought about it…
If you’re not familiar, Domingo is a somewhat recent character on Saturday Night Live, portrayed by up and coming cast member Marcello Hernández, in a series of sketches that are almost designed to go viral on social media. While there have only been two sketches so far, they both follow the same pattern: Chloe Fineman’s character is celebrating an important milestone (wedding or baby shower) with her husband, played by Andrew Dismukes. As a surprise, her girlfriends decide to perform an off-key song they’ve written, to the tune of a popular song of the day, about the girls trip they embarked upon before this event. In both situations, it’s revealed, through song, that Fineman was unfaithful, with her friends seemingly oblivious to what Dismukes is learning for the first time. And it is revealed – both times – that the person with whom Fineman was cheating was sexy, Latin lover Domingo. At that point, Domingo himself has entered the celebration, joining the song, in an attempt to reclaim what he believes is rightfully his: Fineman. And it works! So, the sketch always ends with Dismukes being cucked in front of friends and family, while Fineman, Domingo, and her girls gleefully keep singing.
To be honest, I’ve kinda hated these sketches, and find myself feeling bad for Dismukes more than anything. I guess I should talk to my therapist about that. I will say, however, that I understand that they provide roles to the majority of the female cast, and the format is rolled out when there’s a female host (most recently Charli XCX). Looking at the recent change in SNL humor, however, explains why a sketch like this would be popular. First off, Hernández was widely touted as the show’s first Gen Z cast member, having been born in 1997. So, he’s likely going to bring a different sensibility to the show. However, there’s another possible reason why the sketch has taken off, and it’s kind of a long explanation, so bear with me here.
I saw a TikTok recently (yeah, I know I just lost 30% of you right there), where @deadboydetective was trying to explain why folks think SNL “sucks” now. I mean, folks have been saying that about it and The Simpsons as long as I can remember, but this was a different situation. He went on to explain that the key difference between Old SNL and now is where the writers and cast members are being sourced. You see, in the days we all remember, ya know – Church Lady, Van Down By The River, Caveman Lawyer – those cast members and writers usually came up through Second City or The Groundlings, which were comedy camps that focused on “character based comedy”. Just like the name implies, the focus was on creating memorable characters so that they could become fan favorites and regulars on the show. In a cutthroat environment like SNL (seriously, read all the books), you’re pretty much responsible for carving your own path. You can’t wait for someone else to write material for you, so you’ve got to write sketches for yourself and hope one pops. The best way to do that is to focus on characters because a single sketch can fail but the character can endure.
On the flipside, in the past few years, more writers and cast members have joined the show by way of Upright Citizens Brigade, also known as “UCB”, which was founded by Matt Besser, Adam McKay, Horatio Sanz, Amy Poehler and more. As opposed to the other organizations’ character approach, UCB focused on what the Tokker called “games based comedy”. In this type of sketch, the focus is more on the situation than the character. It’s really almost about figuring out the number of absurd elements you can add to a situation, while keeping it funny. At some point, however, the bottom falls out. This is why modern SNL sketches don’t really have definitive endings. Sometimes it even takes the cast members to do something of an “I dunno. I guess that’s it” shrug to indicate to the audience that it’s over. He pointed out that it’s really hard to fill a 90-minute show with that format as opposed to just slotting in familiar characters. And the UCB model isn’t isolated to just SNL, as you could find UCB alums everywhere from Broad City to Community to The Bear. That’s not to say SNL has completely abandoned characters, as they seemingly had a hit on their hands with Ego Nwodim’s “Lisa from Temecula”, but we haven’t seen her since her last outing crashed and burned. So, I guess Domingo is another attempt to get back to the old days, in an effort to establish a new character.
Simply based on the sketch’s construction, I really don’t know how the concept continues after a third outing (Maybe baby’s first birthday? Fineman’s father’s funeral?), but maybe it doesn’t have to. Things move fast now, and folks have short attention spans (Remember all that shit Vance said about Trump?). Hopefully, Hernández creates even more characters by then. Still, TikTok loves him, and he even showed up at Sabrina Carpenter’s concert – in character! So that’s why I think, for this week, SNL‘s Domingo had the West Week Ever.
