Here it is – the grand finale of our five part series! Instead of apologizing for the delay, I’m going to take the comic industry approach: ignore the lateness, hype the shit out of it, and expect you to kiss my ass for writing it! I kid, I kid. We’re all family here.
When I set out to write this series, I wanted to stay away from what I considered “low hanging fruit”. No Cheers (still open), no The Max (still open), no Golden Palace (um, most of them are dead. How did four senior citizens ever get financing for something like that? This is why the economy’s so fucked up!). While I wanted to avoid the “big” shows, I still wanted to make sure to mention those that are near and dear to our 80s/90s existence. Let’s wrap things up with the same goal in mind!
Show: Family Matters
Business: Rachel’s Place
Outlook: We all know Family Matters: Reginald Vel Johnson in his 87th cop role, is married to Harriet the elevator operator from Perfect Strangers. It was basically a more working class Cosby Show until the appearance on one Steven Q. Urkel. Then, the thing turned into a live action cartoon, as Urkel changed his DNA on a weekly basis, spurned hot Myra for busted ol’ Laura, and Harriet got the Aunt Viv treatment in the last season.
At the beginning of the series, Harriet’s sister, Rachel, has moved into the family with her infant, Richie, after the death of her husband. As per usual with Telma Hopkins characters, Rachel was kind of a ditz, and tended to get on Carl’s nerves. In fact, she’s one of those characters who really doesn’t have a use. I’m starting to think that ABC had her under a Talent Holding deal, and just shoehorned her into this series (remember when Bronson Pinchot was added to Step by Step near the end? Talent Holding deal). Meanwhile, Steve and Laura were working at the local teen hangout spot, known as “Leroy’s”. Urkel, being the klutz that he was, ending up burning Leroy’s to the ground. Damn, fire was the natural enemy of the 80s sitcom hangout spot! Leroy didn’t want to rebuild, as he was too old for that shit. Enter Rachel.
Now, I’m not quite sure where the writers got this idea. For all intents and purposes, Rachel was basically a black version of Phoebe from Friends. She’s not the person you look to as a “captain of industry”. Regardless of all logical arguments against it, Rachel decides that she wants to buy the business, and rebuild it as her own restaurant. Single mother, neurotic, widow decides she wants to have MORE financial responsibilities. With help from Mother Winslow, Rachel gets the funding that she needs, and opens Rachel’s Place. While Leroy’s was more of a dive burger joint, Rachel’s Place is a little more like Shoney’s/Bob’s Big Boy.
Verdict: Rachel’s Place is closed, but not because it was unsuccessful. Oh, where to begin…You see, Rachel fancied herself an “entrepreneur”. Like many women of that decade, she wanted to become the next Oprah. So, after Rachel’s Place took off, she started dabbling in other businesses, and this was the beginning of the end.
Rachel decided to market a hair product that she had developed for her own son, Richie. Basically, it was a Jheri curl solution that she called “Rachel’s Glaze”. Anyway, as most of the family was busy with their own pursuits, she recruited Carl’s youngest daughter, Judy, to help her after school. After a few weeks, Rachel noticed that Judy was acting strange. She’d disappear for long hours, and money was always missing. It turns out that the ingredients in Rachel’s Glaze could ALSO be used to make crystal meth. Judy hooked up with the wrong crowd at school, and soon disappeared. Carl used all of his resources at the force to try to track her down, but it was too late.
While the Judy situation never hit the news, Rachel felt that she was responsible for what had happened. With Richie in the care of Carl & Harriet, Rachel hit the road to find herself. The last time anyone heard from her, she had hooked back up with her former singing group, Tony Orlando and Dawn.
Show: Small Wonder
Business: United Robotronics
Outlook: In case you missed this gem of 80s television, Small Wonder went like this: Ted Lawson was a computer engineer who worked for a company called United Robotronics. His greatest invention, meant to help disabled children, was the Voice Input Child Identicant, also known as “V.I.C.I.” The catch was that V.I.C.I. looked like a human girl, except she had superhuman strength, and the processing power of a Commodore 64. Oh, I should also mention that she had serial ports in her back and slept in an armoire in Ted’s son’s room (thank the good Lord that show ended before the boy reached puberty). Anyway, Ted brought V.I.C.I. home with him so that she could become accustomed to living with a family. Things got weird, however, when Ted decided that they should pass her off as their daughter. So, she’d lift a car or crush a mailman, and hilarity would ensue!
Verdict: United Robotronics is no longer in business. You see, millions of dollars had gone into V.I.C.I.’s development, and UR no longer felt comfortable with “her” out in the suburbs somewhere. The Lawsons, however, had come to think of V.I.C.I. as a member of the family, and were not about to let her go. You probably read about it in the news, but on Christmas Eve 1989, this standoff resulted in a siege on the Lawson home, where V.I.C.I. was taken from the home. During the extraction, Ted Lawson was killed and his funeral was later picketed by some upstart “church” with a mad-on for funerals.
United Robotronics couldn’t whether the PR nightmare. The V.I.C.I. situation, combined with the failure of their Atari competitor spelled the end for the company. After filing for bankruptcy, United Robotronics’ assets were quietly acquired by Apple. Apple didn’t do anything with the outdated tech until an engineer in the mobile division later came up with a use for some of it. That latest version of Apple’s iPhone needed an extra kick, and what started out as V.I.C.I. would become another four-letter assistant…
Well, that’s it for this 5-part, multiweek series. I hope you enjoyed it, and I thank you for reading. Make sure to check back later this week, as I get back to Thrift Justice or Adventures West Coast or any of the other random stuff that pops into my head. Oh, and I’m gonna leave you with this bonus info on one of the former stars of Small Wonder. Just goes to show that the truth can be stranger than fiction.
