Real World Awards and New York Housewives

“I don’t dress like a slut. I think I dress more like a slot machine.”

I can’t believe I’ve had the same Chris Brown song on repeat for the past 8 hrs (“Forever”, if you were wondering). I can’t help it; the beat is hot!

Anyway, let’s go for a TV post this time around:

-So, I’ve watched the Real World Awards Bash about 3 times now. It’s not that I wanted to; it’s just that it’s always on. It’s like Law & Order or something…Anyway, It was so weird to see the “Old Guard”(you know, the seasons where the show actually had a purpose), hanging out with the “No Class Heroes” (Vegas and beyond). Montana actually showed up! Poor thing, she’s the only one who had nothing better to do. If she’d had an dignity, she’d have sent in a video update like Judd, Pam, and all the other “grownups”. I also noticed that there was almost no Sistahs Representin’. Sure, Coral was there, as well as Karamo (yeah, I’m a jerk). Otherwise, no Melissa, no Irulan, no Kameelah (though, she did send in a video), no Nameless Black Chick from the forgotten London season. Speaking of RW:London, I’m pretty sure they would strike it completely from the record books if not for Jacinda Barrett. She’s the only bonafide “actor” the show has generated (no, The Miz doesn’t count), so everyone’s forced to acknowledge that season, mainly, because of her.

I think I’ve written about this before, but watching that special both touched and saddened me. Why? Pedro Zamora. In this day and age, I think a lot of us have forgotten the impact that he had. Sure, AIDS is pretty prevalent and “we all know somebody affected blah, blah, blah”, but he really broke new ground. And he did it until the very end. I remember the weekend Pedro died, as that was my introduction to The Real World. I didn’t start with the NY season like everyone else. I was in a hotel in Alabama, and I ended up watching the entire marathon, dedicated to his life and his passing. I didn’t get a new batch of “seven strangers” until Boston, but that San Fran season stuck with me. The reminder of Pedro’s accomplishments, however, shows what a mockery the show has become. Will this franchise ever generate another Pedro? Does anyone even stand for anything anymore on that show? They’ve lined up RW: Hollywood, where the deck is stacked to guarantee high entertainment value, as they’re all vain, beautiful people trying to be stars. Pretty much like every other season, only they’re being upfront about their ambitions this time around. That said, I feel like Mary-Ellis Bunim is turning over in her grave. The same way Star Trek got better after Roddenberry’s passing, I feel the opposite is true for the RW franchise. In their acceptance speeches, the cast members who were touched by the experience made sentiments that they could see the show lasting for 20 seasons more. While that might be true, I find myself asking: “Why?” I’d really like to think it’s going to get better, maybe mean something, but I think I might be wasting my optimism…

While we’re on MTV, let’s talk about Celebrity Nepotism…I mean Rock the Cradle. Interesting concept, but they really scraped the barrel for talent. Makes ya wonder who they’ll dig up next season L’il B Sure!? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, the exclamation point is part of his name. I’d much rather see if his father has another hit in him than to worry if his son can be just as mediocre. Jessie Money. Awesome “guns”, and she’s Eddie Money’s daughter. Singing, however, ain’t her thing. I also loved how Bobby Brown basically agreed with the judges when they weren’t on Landon Brown’s side. Way to be supportive, Bobby! If you really wanted to be constructive, you’d have convinced him not to do the show. The showstopper, of course, was Lucy Walsh, with her rendition of “Heart of the Matter”. Can I downlowd that somewhere? Awesome job! Everybody raved over Hammer’s daughter, but I’m not feeling her Jill Scott vibe. She brings nothing new to music, as she’s ever other black chick entering the scene these days. I’d only be into it if she pulled a “Natalie Cole” and tried to do “Can’t Touch This” with her dad. THAT would be hilarious! Lara Johnston? Come back when you’re older and have more confidence. Crosby Loggins? Ain’t feelin’ it. Jesse “Blaze” Snider? I think the ladies would dig him, but his style of rock is a little outdated. And that, finally brings me to Chloe Lattanzi. I think that she must be the best thing Olivia Newton-John has produced since Grease. No, it’s not the singing, either. When she sings, she sounds like some Romanian chick who’s struggling to learn English. What the Hell are some of those sounds coming from her mouth? What gets me about her, however, are those lips. Oh, Sweet Georgia Brown, those lips! What was Sandy thinking when she let whatever Third World doctor do that to her daughter? My feminine side wants to yell, “Aw, hell naw!”, while my male side is licking his lips, saying, “What up, boo?”

I hated the parent show, but I’m loving the spin-off: Real Housewives of NYC. Who cares about Orange County? That region is so played out, but NYC never dies, baby! I kinda fell into watching it, and I’m hooked.

First we’ve got Jill and her “Jewish girl from LI makes it big as high society girl” routine. I can’t really say anything bad about Jill. I really like her, and she’s probably the most grounded chick on the show. Sure, she loves her dog a little too much, her husband isn’t very affectionate, and she sent her 14 yr old daughter off to fat camp to cure some kind of early onset arthritis, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary, right? Jill’s cool in my book.

That brings us to LuAnn…I mean, The Countess de Lesseps. I.LOVE.THIS.WOMAN. She is absolutely beautiful. Former beauty queen from bumblefuck marries a count and now lives the good life. Her Spanish housekeeper raises the kids, while Luann paints the town red with her 20-yr old niece, trying to recapture some sense of lost youth. If you’re in the Hamptons area, keep an eye on cable access, as she hosts The Countess Report. I shit you not.

Then, we’ve got Ramona. My, my, my…that poor girl. Ramona is your typical “doesn’t act her age and wants to be the life of the party” woman. The other housewives don’t really seem to like her, but she must know a producer or something ’cause she’s still on the show. Seriously, they all hang out together without Ramona. She tried to get some friends early in the season, but she gave up, and the rest of them hang out, talking shit about her. Plus, Ramona’s got Man Issues. She’s married to a great guy, but she keeps harping on some advice her mom gave her, about how she should make her own money in case the marriage goes south. Good advice? Yes. The problem is that she’s saying it every time she’s on camera. She’s trying to instill that in her daughter, who’s all of 11, which is kind of fucked up. Also, you’ve got to wonder how the husband feels, as he does his best to support them from his jewelry business, and he’s got this militant wife running around, boasting about how she’ll be OK if their marriage doesn’t work out. Plus, Ramona’s a stage mom, as she’s trying to push her daughter into acting, which doesn’t seem to be the daughter’s desire.

Then, we come to Bethenny. She’s a nutritionist and famous chef, and her body is amazing. Her face, however, is a bit aged – you’d see her in a club from afar and think you hit the jackpot, but you get close and find something more akin to Skeletor’s sister. Beautiful hair, but sunken eyes. Bethenny’s not exactly a “housewife”, as she’s the single gal, but the clock is ticking. She’s trying to get her bf to “take it to the next level”, but he’s divorced with 3 kids. He’s pretty much done, while she’s trying to get started. I don’t see a happy ending here, folks. Did I mention how awesome her body is? Just checking.

Finally, that brings us to the symbiotic couple of Alex and Simon. How I loathe these two…They’re joined at the hip, so everything they do is together. She goes out for a “girls night”, and brings him along. My, how that didn’t go well! They’re also the most pretentious fuckers on television. They’re social parasites: they find people in high places, and they gravitate toward them, to increase their own status. Their children are Johan and Francois, and they’re raising them to speak English and French. Simon’s so “metro” he’s gay, while Alex seems like a really low-dollar tranny. Just look at the bone structure on that girl! They’re the most entertaining, though, as they’re still striving for status while hanging out with people who’ve already achieved it. The other girls are happy to lend a hand or a referral, but they can see how Alex and Simon are nervous and overcompensating. They can see how hungry they are for status and acceptance. They reek of want! And that, folks, is what makes this thing so entertaining. It’s a show about wealth and status most of us will never experience. When you’re worried about how you’re gonna feed your baby or get your car fixed, sometimes it’s nice to dwell in the problems of the rich. Oh, no! How are they going to get to the opera with all this traffic? How dare Alex invite Bethenny over with the floors so destroyed? How dare Bethenny introduce LuAnn to the limo driver as anything other than “Mrs de Lesseps”? Fortunate bastards. It’s really about Schadenfreude: I enjoy seeing anything that makes these people’s lives a bit more difficult. Call me a hater, but it’s what makes the world go ’round.