Eliot Spitzer, Breaker High, Danity Kane, and Sanford

“Damn you and your lemonade!”

-Oh, the Eliot Spitzer saga…the only part that I enjoyed is that the chick’s name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. That’s the name of the character I despised the most from Breaker High. Anybody remember Breaker High? It was a UPN weekday show that came on after Sweet Valley High. It followed the whole late-90s “Semester at Sea” craze, and was basically “Saved by the Bell on a boat.” It introduced America to Persia White (Girlfriends), Tyler Labine (Reaper and a bunch of canceled stuff), and Ryan Gosling (The Notebook, and crush to millions!). Anyway, Ashley Dupree was a Southern Belle, former beauty queen who was the bitch of the group. On most shows, this role is also known as “the hot chick”. For some reason, though, due to Breaker High‘s poor casting, you’re left to wonder, “Why does this chick think she’s the shit?” I mean, she was a fiesty redhead with a Southern accent, but that’s where the bus stopped. In all the pool scenes, she was the chick wearing the one-piece, and for good reason. She was played by Teri Conn, now Colombino, who’s made quite the name for herself on As The World Turns. Anyway, as for the escort, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to her. She’ll have a book deal by the last week of April.

-Two videos came out this week that leave me scratching my head. First up is “Damaged”, by Danity Kane. Now, I downloaded that album yesterday, and I’ve got to say it’s hot. If you liked their last album, you might not like this one. They’ve taken their sound in a whole new direction. If you liked Britney’s Blackout album (which I did), you’re going to LOVE Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, the Damaged video. As I’ve said before, it’s a hot dance song, but it’s one corny-ass video. The dance moves are seriously stunted. They’re reminiscent of those videos Britney made back when everybody thought she’d had a boob job. Not “Baby One More Time” or even “Oops…”; I’m talking about “Sometimes”. These moves are just like that: where every movement is some elaborate arm motion, like they’re summoning the Megazord or something. Plus, I’m not really feeling Shannon’s look. Up to this point, we’re led to believe that Aubrey was the leader, but Shannon gets more screen-time in this video than she did in the entirety of this season of MTB. I guess they realized it’s hard to pass off “The Married One” as some sort of sex symbol. It’s the same reason all boybanders are told to say they’re single in interviews – it keeps hope alive for the fans. Anyway, Shannon’s got this Suzanne Somers of the Future thing going on, which is just kinda…off. I don’t know what spinning around on a space turntable has to do with a broken heart. Is that how they cure broken hearts in the future? It just doesn’t fit the theme of the song. And to cap it off, they’re dancing inside this dude’s heart? Isn’t that just exacerbating the damage? Like I said, some corny shit.

Then, we have Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney…I am seriously disappointed. She finally released the video for “Break the Ice”. If you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know that not only do I ADORE that song, but I also predicted it would be the next single. But what does she do? She makes the video some anime piece of crap, that doesn’t even mimic the theme of the song. It’s cookie-cutter anime, as some blonde chick (who doesn’t even resemble Britney) kicks a bunch of dudes in the head. It’s the same type of shit that makes YouTube so popular. You know, where some American otaku takes a Nickelback song and uses it to highlight the timeline of the relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask. This video is just like that. Right now, there’s some kid in his mom’s basement, who’s splicing together a better video using this song and selected scenes from Death Note and Fullmetal Alchemist. And they had the audacity to end it with “To Be Continued”?! Britney, I know you’re a little stressed these days, what with the parental issues and your new gig on How I Met Your Mother, but please explain what blowing up a mobster’s skyscraper has to do with this song!

-Oh, man! BET added Sanford back to their schedule. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I’m a big fan of the obscure-failed-spin-off-of-the-successful-show formula. Just like with Three’s a Crowd, nobody remembers Sanford. Back in 1980, NBC was at the bottom of the ratings, so they got Redd Foxx to agree to reprise the role of Fred Sanford, from Sanford & Son. Well, rumor has it that, at some point, Demond Wilson had pulled a gun on producer Norman Lear, so he wasn’t invited to the spin-off. That left Sanford with no son, so he takes on Cal, a fat White, country White guy who had “worked with Lamont on the Alaskan pipeline”. Sidebar: I’ll admit that I don’t know much about the pipeline economy in the ’70s. I know they said Lamont went to work there, and I know that there’s good money in it, however, I don’t see some Black assistant junk dealer, from Watts, going to Alaska, with his fro and porn star moustache, working in the ice and snow. To me, that excuse was more of an insult that the way Family Matters just wrote out Jaimee Foxworth like she never even existed. OK, anyway, Sanford only lasted 2 seasons, with a total of 26 episodes. The first season follows Fred as he dates this rich widow. The interesting part is that he seems to feel really bad about it, like he’s guilty that he’s not honoring Elizabeth’s memory. I can understand this, but it contradicts the fact that he was engaged to Donna for a good chunk of Sanford & Son, and he didn’t seem to feel that union was an affront to Elizabeth. Anyway, the whole “Fred dating” angle got stale, so the second season saw good old Aunt Esther moving in, so she could find some reason to call Fred “an ol’ fish-eyed fool” every episode.

-Speaking of Jaimee Foxworth, why did no one tell me she was on Celebrity Rehab?! I totally would’ve been onboard had I known that. I skipped that show because I thought it was the barrel-scrapings from The Surreal Life. The Jaimee Foxworth Saga, however, is something in which I have a lot of interest. The Judy Winslow Paradox ranks up there with the disappearance of Chuck Cunningham in the annals of television history. It’s one of the great mysteries that is only just coming to life. Most child stars hit it big and don’t know how to handle themselves. She, on the other hand, hit bottom because she was kicked out of the limelight. I almost feel like no one close to the show talks about it because they feel somewhat responsible for her downfall. Either way, that bitch led a rough life. I’m glad she’s out of porn and getting help. It’s only a matter of time before her inevitable 700 Club visit.

-Can they just go ahead and crown Kaba Modern as America’s Best Dance Crew already? The music of Grease has never sounded as good as it did during that Master Mix!

-J Records really needs to soften up Leona Lewis’s image. Get her a new make-up person or something. Yes, I love her album. I’ve had the UK version since October, and I truly think this is only the beginning. A lot of people compare her to Mariah, but that’s not accurate, as she doesn’t have Mariah’s control yet. Emphasis on yet. That said, she’s got quite the jawline. If you’ve seen the video for “Bleeding Love”, you know what I mean. She gives off a bit of a tranny vibe. And not the most convincing tranny. Almost a To Wong Foo thing going on.

-I love Amy Winehouse, but I’m in love with Frank-era Amy Winehouse. Sure, she’s currently a crazy, drug-addled tabloid dream. That’s not what does it for me. I have the biggest crush on Soulful Jewess Amy. Sure, she had that snaggletooth, but so does Jewel, and we all love her. I just watched Amy’s True Hollywood Story, and it made me HATE her husband. It was all downhill once he entered the picture. Prior to that, she was curvy and oh, so sexy. Now, she uses her own face as an ashtray. Don’t do drugs, kids…

–Human Giant and Free Radio are the funniest shows on TV these days.

-Drake Bell, of Nickelodeon’s Drake & Josh, is great casting for Superhero Movie, and it’s his biggest cinematic break. I just hope Josh Peck doesn’t end up like Kel Mitchell…

That’s it for now. I leave you with this question: who would you rather have show up at your door: Chris Hansen or Joey Greco? Trust me, folks. It’s not an easy answer….