Spider-Man: One More Day, One Tree Hill, and Patrick Warburton

“Crackheads’ll wobble, but they won’t fall down.”

Watching Katt Williams, while reading an article on the dynamics of the Clinton-Gore relationship during the 2000 elections. That, folks, is a great example of how complex and screwed up I am…Anyway, it’s been some time since I’ve posted, so I figured I was overdue. Here’s just a random sampling of things on my mind at the moment. You know the drill:

-So, Spider-Man’s got no wife now. Huh. Not quite sure how to take that. For those of you who don’t read comics, but only know the Spidey story via the movies, here’s a recap: in the comic, Spider-Man and MJ have been married since the 80’s (it’s only been about 5 years in their timeline). She knew he was Spider-Man, and he had the benefit of having a hot-ass, supermodel/actress wife. I always hated that.

Spider-Man is the everyman hero. People like the character because they see themselves in him. He’s the underdog. He just can’t catch a break. He struggles with his bills, he wrestles with the guilt surrounding the deaths of loved ones, and he really just wants to find “the big happy”, to borrow from another source. Despite all this, he had a hot-ass supermodel/actress for a wife. You know what that means? No matter how bad of a day he had, he would always get to come home…to supermodel sex. I (and probably you, if you’re reading this) will never experience supermodel sex, but I figure it ranks somewhere between winning the lottery and getting an extra McNugget in your 6-piece. I can’t feel sorry for that guy. Yeah, your uncle died and your old girlfriend was thrown off a bridge. So what? You’ve got supermodel sex. It’s a cure-all, kinda like Vick’s Vaporub (there’s NOTHING that can’t be cured by Vick’s!).

Anyway, they went through the usual comic/soap opera stuff: they got married, she got kidnapped, he found her, she got pregnant, baby was kidnapped, baby was forgotten about like Judy on Family Matters, MJ got on plane, plane blew up, Peter grieved and moved on, turns out death was faked, they reconcile, they separate, they reconcile, his aunt gets shot, he sacrifices marriage to save geriatric aunt, marriage never happened. Rinse and repeat.

Yeah, due to the fact that they ran out of ideas, the great comic people had Spidey reveal his identity as Peter Parker to the world (long story!). This, of course, paints a target on him and his family. Crime boss puts a hit on Spidey, and thug ends up shooting his Aunt May instead. Peter, then, MAKES A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL. Yes, THE Devil, who brings his aunt back to life but at the cost of the pure, rare love that Peter and MJ share. Huh? That’s just as stupid as some fat sea witch stealing my voice and keeping it in a clam. Apparently, the guilt over having his old ass aunt getting caught in the crossfire just ruined the idea of supermodel sex for him. That poor bastard. So, even though she’s 80 and probably gonna die soon anyway, Peter takes THE DEVIL (!) up on his offer and brings his aunt back to life. Yeah, nothing bad could result from this. This, in effect, resets the world so that the marriage never happened. Ever. I can’t even get into everything that’s wrong with this idea…And I’m finding that I actually miss MJ. Instead of being “just that hot chick”, she grounded Peter and let him know that the little guy can win every now and then. Plus, there was the sex. And he had to go and throw it all away!

-I finally saw Transformers. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of you figured that I would be in line on opening day, but I’ve actually never been much of a Transfan. The lore is just too confusing, and the concept just seems kind of boring after a bit. Just as G.I.Joe will never beat Cobra, the Autobots will never beat the Decepticons. The ongoing battle between good and evil. And that gets boring. On top of that, the company with the TF comic license is one of my biggest accounts. Over the summer, I had Transformers coming out of the ass, as I had to coordinate things with the movie release. By the time the movie actually came out, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and watch it. Anyway, I really liked that movie, especially more than I thought I would. Megan Fox is gorgeous (“David Silver” is a lucky, lucky man!) and Shia was a good leading…kid. All in all, it was a really good movie. Not a great movie, but a really good one.

-I also saw Juno, which is one of my favorite movies of the past 5 years. It was excellent. It had that Ghost World sensibility without all of the aloofness. Juno would be the perfect girlfriend (you know, without the whole “accidental pregnancy” angle). I can only hope that my wife yells, “Thundercats are GO!” when her water breaks…

-The best part of Scott Baio is 46…and Pregnant is the music. I mean, last season, he was kind of a jerk, but you got where he was coming from: he was afraid of commitment. This season, however, he’s just a dick. The entire time, though, the soundtrack is blasting the songs you danced to at your 1987 prom. I swear it’s like playing GTA: Vice City…Anyway, I think the music is to remind us that Scott hasn’t really done anything in the past 20 yrs.

-I’m convinced that Patrick Warburton is the Cree Summer of the 21st century! I mean, is there an animated show where he doesn’t voice a character?! Sure, his legacy is probably going to be Puddy, but if you just IMDB the guy, you’ll realize he’s ev-er-y-where.

-Speaking of TV, I’ve got a problem with MTV’s Made. I’m sure I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s killing me how everyone, at the end, is successfully…Made. I know that’s terrible, and I should be rooting for them, but some of this shit is just out of left field. You get a weird, social outcast who does nothing but talk shit about all the popular kids in school. What does she want to be? Homecoming queen! So, not only do you have to give her a makeover and hope it sticks, but you’ve also got to convince the entire school to like her, despite her past transgressions. Do you know how evil teenagers are? Do you really think this will work? But it does! How much did MTV pay those classmates? Or, take the overweight, sporty-spice tomboy. What does she want to be made into? A model. WTF?! So, they get as close as they can. They decide to make her a plus-size model. They give her a fashion coach and send her to fashion week in NYC. And in the end, she makes it. I want to see a week of Almost Made, where the kid either fails or gives up. I need some balance to this fantasy.

-Thank Yahweh that One Tree Hill is back! Let me explain my history with this show. While everyone was jumping on The OC‘s bandwagon, I hitched my wagon to the little- show-that-could on The WB. It was a trite story, a modern day Cain & Abel story, set on a basketball court. Trust me, that’s deeper than they’ve ever acheived. But that was the gist of it. I found myself watching the show because I had a crush on Bethany Joy Galeotti (nee Lenz). I loved watching the struggle of Lucas and Nathan Scott, as they vied for the title of Best B-Baller in Tree Hill. I found myself madly in love with the adorable Sophia Bush, and the addition of Boy Meets World‘s. Minkis was the icing on the cake. It’s so much like Dawson’s Creek, even though people fail to recognize it. You watch it and find yourself saying, “Real kids don’t talk like that”. Just like the Creek, these kids try so hard. There’s so much angst and, to them, there’s so much at stake. I give it the Center Stage award, as (just like that movie) the actors pour their hearts and souls into a weak-ass plot. Here we are, 5 years later, and OTH has outlasted The OC, and is finally attracting an audience. With the strike going on, this is pretty much the only show I watch. Yes, I am a 15 year old girl…

This post goes out to Tracie in Arizona. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one reading this thing 🙂 If anyone else is reading this (besides James, Jenn, JJ, Tarek and King Kong), make yourself known!