“We are going to go America all over their asses!”
First of all, can we please leave Britney alone? Seriously? I get it. It was funny for a while. “Haha, look at the country bumpkin and her poor parenting!” But it’s gone too far. It’s clear this is no longer about publicity or anything vain like that. Plain and simple, she’s got a problem and she needs help. Her family contributed to that, and I’m sure Jamie’s little Spear in the Oven isn’t helping matters. Anyway, Hollywood, paps, bloggers, etc, really need to lay off. You’re not going to stop until she dies, and that’s just not going to be cool. It happened with Marilyn, it happened with Anna Nicole, and it’s cranked up to 11 with Brit. Plus, if she dies, I really don’t want to have to deal with the inevitable release of a Timbaland version of “Candle in the Wind”…
Anyway, I’d like to take a moment to express my sheer and utter joy at the return of American Gladiators! This takes me back to the days before girls and bills, when my life revolved around Saturday morning fare comprised of cartoons, WWF, and AG. Though it probably doesn’t count, I think American Gladiators is the only organized “sport” that I ever gave a shit about. Why? Because it was about the everyman, the little guy, taking his chance against these physical powerhouses. There was just something about seeing a fax machine salesman live out the athletic dream of fighting with a giant Q-Tip against some dude named Kapow or something (near the end of the show, they were running out of onamatapoeia names, so I’m pretty sure there was a Kapow or a Blorrch running around…). So, with that old school love, how does the new version stack up? Let’s take a look inside:
1) The hosts could use some work. I love the Hulkster as much as the next guy, but I always preferred the idea of a sportcasters and former Gladiators as AG commentators. Mike Adamle, Joe Theismann, and Nitro fit the bill nicely on the original series. I don’t know if it’s the family drama (divorce and Nick’s accident) or what, but Hogan is really phoning it in. He’s trying, but his heart’s just not in it. It’s a shame when he’s outshone by Laila Ali, who has never had personality. Laila always seems to get work because A) she’s Muhammad Ali’s daughter and B) she’s easy on the eyes. As far as her delivery, it’s always apparent that “cue card reading” wasn’t part of her GED course. They should’ve gone with Howie Long and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Howie for the “real sports cred”, while Stone Cold would bring in your desired demo. If you really need a woman, throw in Summer Sanders. After all, she spent all those years on NBA: Inside Stuff not knowing why the Hell she was even there…
2) I like the fact that, as far as the Gladiator women are concerned, they went with actual brawn instead of the Trish Stratus fitness model type. I mean, look at these chicks! Hellga is no laughing matter, at 6’1 and 205 lbs! Now, if only she could learn to use her size to her advantage (looking kind slow there in The Gauntlet…). And Crush (AKA, MMA Champ Gina Corano)…155 pounds of Gladiator never looked so good!
3) Who knew your best bet would be the Asians?! Not to make some sort of blanket, racial statement, but we have had 2 awesome, charismatic athletes who came from behind and took it all. Venus had to sub in in the very first match-up, as the original contender was injured. A rehabilitation doctor, Venus came from behind and pulled off an amazing victory at the end. Sure, she looked like shit on toast at the end of things, but she pulled through like a champ. In the next episode, we had Moli, who was jokingly trying to play up the Asian Nerd stereotype so that people would underestimate him. At times, he seemed like a cocky bastard, but he truly was awesome. He pulled off a victory in the end without really breaking a sweat. It also didn’t hurt that his opponent was a 38 year old dad who wasn’t necessarily in the greatest shape of his life.
4) Wolf’s howl is gonna get old real fast. In fact, it’s old now. I’d like to see him gone if there’s a second season. And Toa. What the fuck is up with that dude?
5) If there’s one thing to be learned from AG, never dedicate your performance to your kid. It’s an automatic jinx. Not only will you look like a complete and utter failure as a parent when you lose, but your kids will also hate you….because you’re a loser. When you tell someone, “I’m doing this for you”, and you don’t quite pull it off, well that’s just plain embarassing for all involved. Last night, we had 3 situations of “I’m doing this for my kids; they’re my world!” And how did this pan out?
First, we had Jessie, the toilet paper saleswoman/single mother. Boo-hoo. She’s had such a tough break, so surely she’s going to pull out all the stops and win this to give her kids a better life, right? Wrong! She got sacked & blew out her leg during the FIRST EVENT, and had to be replaced.
Chad, the pro skateboarder single dad, ended up getting CRUSHED as his opponent won with a 30 point (!) lead.
Next, former Marine (!) and Iraq vet, Bonnie, got bested by a life coach, after dedicating her game her to kids. Also, she busted her head on the Eliminator and bled like a UFC contender, but lost all the same.
Finally, we had Jeff, who had earned a spot on the original AG but lost his spot because he was stuck in traffic. Now, this should’ve been “his time”, as he’d waited 13 years at another shot. He dedicated the thing to his little newborn daughter, and he proceeded to get PWNED by Moli who treated the entire thing like it was a game rather than a grueling physical challenge.
6) SO glad they added water under the Joust. Now, it seems like there’s an actual threat, even if said threat is just “wetness”.
7) It really taught me something about myself, as I just couldn’t pull this off. Most of these contestants were either professionals or life coaches (man, that’s booming industry right now; I should look into that), and they all had these cheesy “I’m here to win”, “glass-half full” opinions on everything. You know, “positive attitudes”. I haven’t played a sport in years, but I know “sportsmanship” was never my strong suit. I could just see myself looking at an event like Hang Tough, and saying, “Fuck this shit. I don’t want this badly enough”. Elimidate or 5th Wheel, totally doable, as there’s the possibility of alcohol, a hot tub and some great NSA sex with a really hot, loose chick on national TV. As far as AG‘s concerned, back in the day you just got a couple grand, bragging rights and a gawdy-ass ring. Right now, they’re competing for $100 K and the chance to be a Gladiator next season. First of all, the money’s nice, but that additional prize is a bit of a reach, as we don’t even know if there’ll be another season. Plus, they’re still running out of names! I mean, there’s a “Militia” for God’s sake! “Jihad” can’t be far behind, and that’s just gonna make middle American shit a collective brick…
