So, this Fall marks a dark era for daytime television. Why? Because Kids WB, the last survivor in the weekday afternoon cartoon programming act, is pulling out of the game.
For over 30 yrs, children could look forward to coming home from school, plopping down in front of the TV, and watching their favorite shows. In the beginning, the shows were all syndicated. Eventually, the Saban-Fox powerhouse known as Fox Kids entered the playing field, and gave us 10 yrs of quality toons (and some crappy imported shit, too) before going to that network in the sky back in 2002.
But the kids still had Kids WB to entertain them. Of course, they had to have an appreciation for Jackie Chan and Pokemon out of the ass! Actually, Kids WB became the official Otaku Poseur Network. It was a showcase for the latest gotta-catch-em-all-collectible-card-game shit being peddled to us from the East. That shit gave kids seizures! (Yes, I DO realize that episode of Pokemon never aired in the US, but oh how we were willing to forget). But did we learn our lesson? No! Kids WB became the little shitty anime store behind the mall, and the viewers fled to cable. So now, Nicktoons is sweeping the ratings board, while Kids WB is still hoping someone cares about Ash & Misty.
No, this isn’t an anime-bashing post. I love me some Cowboy Bebop and Sailor Moon. My issue is that networks never seem to stick to what they know, and it’s hurting them.
To me, I never really understood the practicality of a studio owning a network. I mean, I get it, but it never worked out like I had envisioned it in my head. I remember when UPN was about to debut,and there were all of these commercials listing every show Paramount had contributed to society. The list rattled through “Star Trek”, “Family Ties”, etc. Now, a studio-owned network was a strange, unfamiliar beast at this time. GE owned NBC. Capital Cities owned ABC. Westinghouse owned CBS. And Fox…well, it was a bastard orphan.
Now, imagine my surprise at this new development. I was under the impression that this UPN would be a place where I could find all of the great shows of the past. It was to be a network of “class and tradition”. After all, they were sitting on a vast library of shows that they’d already produced, and surely they’d crank out new shows at the same level of quality. Right? Right? WRONG. People love to think of UPN as “that Black channel”, but if we go back to the beginning, we’ll find a different story. After all, WB was the Black network in its infancy. UPN, on the other hand, just gave us a lot of bad shit across the color spectrum. Anybody remember these shows: “Marker”, “Nowhere Man”, “Platypus Man”, “Diresta”? I’ll bet you don’t, but check IMDB; they all exist. These fools tried to build a network on the shoulders of Richard Greico, Bruce Greenwood, and Richard Jeni. Who? Exactly. For much of that network’s life, “Voyager” was its lifeblood. Why? Because it was the only show that understood what it meant to be “Paramount”. The rest was just a couple of bad phases in a 10 yr-long identity crisis.
“But Will, I thought we were talking about The WB.” Oh, I’m getting there. You see, the WB started not only at the same time, but also on the same foot, as UPN. Only WB was on the other side of the railroad tracks. They wanted that “urban market”, which consisted of picking up every Black show that had been canceled from the previous season of TGIF. Namely, “Sister, Sister.” Man, did they get some mileage off of those twins! The only speck of White on that network was “Savannah” (anybody remember that show? Mmm…Jamie Luner). Warner Bros, one of the biggest studios in Hollywood, sitting on a celluloid dynasty, insisted on going out on a limb to be a “niche network”. Well, turn on WB50 and let me know how well that worked out for them.
Anyway, when they launched Kids WB, it started just as half-assed as the prime-time half of the network. There they were, trying to compete with Fox Kids, being beaten in the ratings by Fox Kids shows….which happened to be produced BY Warner Bros! Did anybody get that? “Animaniacs”, “Tiny Toons”, “Taz-Mania”, “Batman: The Animated Series”… Fox Kids’ most popular shows were produced by Warner Bros, and WB didn’t have the rights to show them. Who was flying this plane? Why was I working a year in retail, while “network executives” made stupid decisions like these? It wasn’t until Kids WB acquired Pokemon that it gained footing, but that was also when the sound of the approaching Horsemen could be heard in the distance. It was all downhill from there…
It’s been said that the demise of Kids WB is not due to ratings, but rather FCC regulations. You see, the FCC considers any “on-air self-promotion” to be commercial time. And there ain’t a network out there more narcissistic & self-promoting than the WB. That’s been it’s claim to fame since it began. Sure, the shows might suck, but they all seemed to be having a blast on the backlot singing Dubba-dubba-WB with Michigan J. Frog. I always said that if I had a show, I wanted it on the WB ’cause it looked like they were having so much fun, and I could party with the kids from “7th Heaven”. You know how preachers’ kids can be! (Yeah, I have a tendency to blur fantasy with reality). Well, there are HELLA regulations for childrens’ programming ’cause it has to be clear where the show ends and where the commercial begins. Otherwise, it looks like you’re trying to deceive the child viewer (Yay, HD Degree!) So, in essence, Kids WB is one big commercial, with some shows interstitially worked in. For a while, that formula worked. It made it seem like they had a lot of programming, when they were actually getting by on the cheap. They’d recycle old Batman footage to make it look like he was hanging out with the Powerpuff Girls. Man, that shit made me mad…It’s not like they HAD to do this. After all, this is the network that owns frickin’ Bugs Bunny. They’ve got 60 yrs worth or animation, but they forget where they came from. They got experimental, and didn’t keep it real. It’s been said that Turner (majority owner of Warner Bros) keeps the library close to his vest, and doesn’t let Kids WB or Cartoon Network have free reign of the archives. OK…but if you care enough to invest in a NETWORK, you’re gonna have to loosen your grip a bit.
So, due to these developments, the afternoon version of Kids WB will be no more. Yes, they will try to carry on with the Saturday morning block, but Fox tried this and failed. You see, without the weekday block, you have nowhere to promote the weekend block. You can’t promote “Yu-gi-oh” during a “Very Special Episode of Gilmore Girls”. And with kids, it’s virtual peekaboo: out of sight, out of mind. Eventually, Disney will swoop in and buy whatever’s left over, so that they can wallpaper Hell so that it looks familiar when we all get there. Disney will be the death of us all. And it’s partly because a few dumb businessmen didn’t know what they were doing, therefore making it a cakewalk for Disney to become our new overlords. Yes, I give Disney AND the entertainment industry THAT much credit. They bought the Fox Kids library for close to $1 billion and all that did was give Haim Saban more money to shuttle into the Hilary Clinton campaign fund. Interesting side note there: Haim Saban, creator of the “Power Rangers” is a BIG Clinton donor, even though Hilary spent much of the first term trying to get that show cancelled. And it’s not like he’s paying them hush money; he’s supposedly a close personal friend of the family. Guess nobody told Hilary…
So, rest in peace Kids WB, you Pokemon-breeding bastard. Oh, and…Hail, Disney!
