I’m just gonna go ahead and say this is a NSFW edition, so if you opened this at work, I hope it was on your phone. Otherwise, Kelly in HR will be calling you into her office at the end of the day. They have to fire you at the end of a Friday so you can’t come back tomorrow and shoot up the place. America!
I saw Thunderbolts* last night, but I know the drill: Not everyone can make it opening night, so I won’t talk about it until next week. If you’re on the fence, though, I highly recommend seeing it. I’m an MCU shill, though, so take that with a grain of salt.
I was working from home the other day, and decided to fire up that Yacht Rock documentary I’d heard about. For some reason, though, I thought it was on Netflix instead of Max. So, I’m on Netflix, trying to spell it out with the frickin’ remote. Y-A-C… Nothing coming up. What I initially glimpsed when I pressed Y, however, caused me to backspace to that screen. That couldn’t be a real movie, could it? I had forgotten how Netflix just autoplays if you leave it on the info screen for something, and I discovered it WAS a real film.
The Year I Started Masturbating, also known as Året jag slutade prestera och började onanera, is a 2022 Swedish comedy, starring Katia Winter, who has been seen in Dexter, The Boys, and Legends of Tomorrow. I didn’t really know what I was in for, as the description didn’t tell that much. I’ll say that it ended up being much more tame than the title might suggest.
Hanna is a 39 year old workaholic, who’s seemingly neglecting her partner and child. Her job comes easy to her, and she’s really good at it (Though it feels like a really “European” job that wasn’t exactly described. Maybe she designs IKEA catalogs or plans biergartens or something?). She had promised her partner, Morten, that she would scale back on work, as he never felt like she was making him a priority. Though she had previously agreed to do so, she was still working long hours. After a contentious date night, she goes into work and quits her job, only to find out that Morten has been in an accident. The accident makes him realize he doesn’t want to try with Hanna anymore, and he dumps her in the hospital. Since it was his apartment, he kicks her out, so now she’s jobless, homeless, and alone.
Through Hanna’s adventures in couch surfing, she somehow befriends this aimless hipster who tells her that her life is messed up because she’s not listening to her vagina. As Hanna has never been able to experience orgasm on her own – as she just gets lost in her thoughts – her new friend encourages her to get in touch with herself and she’ll notice changes in her life. And that’s what she does. After learning to master her domain, she gains more confidence and begins to realize what it is that she truly wants out of life.
I enjoyed the movie, but it could have been better. I’ve watched a few foreign films, but this was one of the rare times where I wondered if my ignorance of certain cultural norms had me missing important things. For example, we tend to think Europeans are pretty sex-positive, but I guess that’s not true for Sweden? Because Hanna is seen as some sort of maverick when she starts expounding on the virtues of masturbation, even going as far as trying to get her boss to give them masturbation breaks, like smoking breaks. Well, that was kinda crazy! The biggest disconnect is that Hanna doesn’t really seem that bad OR scattered at the beginning of the movie. Sure, she works a lot, but she keeps everything running – at work and at home. Plus, it’s not clear what Morten does, but it seems he’s more threatened by her being the breadwinner as opposed to his needs not being met. In fact, it’s not until the break-up that Hanna’s life goes to shit. So, instead of this being The Redemption of a Fuck-Up, it’s more like The Workaholic Who Became A Fuck-Up But Then Learned To Love Herself.
Anyway, I’ve been known to say “I’d watch this as a movie, but not as a show”, but this is the rare case where I’d have rather spent 8 episodes with these characters, as opposed to a mere 100 minutes. There’s a lot of interesting ideas here, but the execution could have been better.
Trailer Park
The Smashing Machine (Theaters, October 3)
The only thing that looks worse than Dwayne Johnson with hair is Vin Diesel with hair. Some folks were just meant to be bald. Anyway, I don’t know anything about UFC, so Mark Kerr isn’t a familiar name to me. When I saw this trailer, my first thought was “I didn’t know there was a mulatto with weird hair in UFC! Did Dana know?!” The thing about Kerr is that he doesn’t have that patented tragic ending that we’ve come to expect from these kinds of stories. You watch this, and you think “He’s surely dead now, and I bet it was horrible!”, but you’d be wrong. Apparently, he was selling used cars as of 2015. So, even though this looks like “Oscar bait”, I’m curious as to how they’re gonna stick the landing to make us care about a dude who, theoretically, could still fight one last time (He’s 56 years old now).
Weapons (Theaters, August 8)
I’m not sure “From The Director of Barbarian“ fills me with confidence. That was a weird ass movie! Anyway, I’m intrigued. Not my genre, but I’m intrigued.
Will Around The Web
Another week, another 2 podcast guest spots! First up, the guys over at After Lunch dropped an episode I’ve been anticipating since we recorded it at C2E2. We played a game invented by the Atomic Geeks, called Money, Robot, Michael Caine. Here’s how it works: someone presents a movie or TV show, and everyone else has to agree on what addition would make it better: a money, a robot, or Michael Caine. I had never played before that night, and I am known for hating games, but it was a blast! You can check out that episode here.
Next up, Adam invited me back to keep talking about Wizard issue #107, so I can be heard on Wizards: The Podcast Guide To Comics episode #107.5, which can be found here.
Run The Numbers
My reading has really slowed down lately, as Life has been Life-ing. It sucks because I’ve gotten a lot things I’m excited to read, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I think I’ve told y’all about Hoopla, which is a wonderful app that allows you to borrow comics, movies, and more from your local library for free. All you need is a valid library card. Apparently, the site is designed to limit you to 10 borrows a month, but some localities limit that amount even more. Where I live, I can only borrow 5 things a month, so I have to be strategic about it. It tends to get indie comic releases the same week as comic shops, but it’s better to use it on collections rather than single issues. This week, I discovered something called Bonus Borrows, which are released the last week of each month, and they don’t count against your borrow total. There were 7 books, but they were all either manga or something I’ve read. The lone standout, however, was the first volume of Phillip Kennedy Johnson’s run on The Incredible Hulk. So, that’s what I checked out.
The Incredible Hulk Vol 1: Age of Monsters takes an interesting approach to the character, in that it seemingly gives Hulk a new purpose. Traditionally, Hulk dealt with Gamma threats, while telling everyone to leave him alone. Following the shenanigans of The Immortal Hulk, it seems that a ton of monsters, some from time immemorial, have surfaced, and they have their eyes set on Hulk. So, it’s not that he’s protecting humanity, but rather fighting off monstrous foes who want him dead, which has the “trickle-down effect” of protecting humanity. He takes on a teen sidekick, named Charlie, who worships his strength, and wants to be more like him. She’s run away from an abusive father, and is looking for anything that makes her feel less small.
While it’s a decent jumping-on point, I feel like it would be a stronger experience had I finished The Immortal Hulk. It’s definitely building off the events of that series, so maybe I’ll circle back and fill in the blanks. At the moment, I’ve only read the first volume of that run, but there’s a lot more mysticism that’s integral to this run.
Things You Might Have Missed This Week
- Kerry Washington and Hulu are developing a Desperate Housewives “reimagining”, called Wisteria Lane. Original Housewives creator Marc Cherry is not involved at this stage.
- Despite picking up the procedural Einstein to series, CBS has decided to delay it to the 26-27 TV season. As a result of the one-year delay, co-lead Rosa Salazar has left the series.
- ABC is reviving Match Game, with Martin Short replacing Alec Baldwin as host.
- Guy Ritchie will direct Jake Gyllenhaal in Road House 2 for Amazon MGM, replacing Doug Limon in the director’s chair.
- The Sgt. Rock film, part of James Gunn’s DC film reboot, is no longer moving forward. The film was in pre-production, and Colin Farrell had replaced Daniel Craig in the titular role, so it’s unclear why production was halted.
- Jeremy Renner reported that he had been offered a second season of the Disney+ series Hawkeye, but he declined because it was twice the amount of work, yet he was offered half the amount that he made for the first season. Typical Disney!
- Top Gun: Maverick director Joseph Kosinski is in talks to direct yet another Miami Vice film reboot.
- Greg Berlanti is developing a Stillwater series for Amazon, based on the Image Comics series by Chip Zdarsky.
- After revealing (in song!) that he used to perform oral sex on his younger male cousin, Kanye West sued his dentist for causing him to become addicted to nitrous oxide. That boy ain’t right…
- Real American Freestyle Wrestling was announced by two losers with nothing better to do.
We don’t really do sports around here, but it was quite the week for sports news. First up, the NFL draft was last weekend, and all eyes were on son of Deion Sanders, “Legendary” Shedeur Sanders. Having been coached by his father his entire life, Sanders was the Big Name in the draft, and his braggadocios father wasn’t making things easy. Basically, any organization interested in Shedeur knew that they’d also have to put up with his overbearing father, who’d no doubt be meddling in their plans. As Shedeur waited, and waited, and waited for that fateful phone call, he ended up getting a call that didn’t go as planned.
It seems the son of Atlanta Falcons defensive coordinator Jeff Ulbrich allegedly found Shedeur’s number on his father’s open iPad, and proceeded to prank call him, pretending to be the general manager of the New Orleans Saints. Even worse, Kid Ulbrich filmed himself making the call, and shared the video. Sanders would eventually be drafted by the Cleveland Browns – a team his father had previously denounced as a choice for his son’s talents. Meanwhile, the Falcons were fined $250,000, while Jeff Ulbrich was fined $100,000, both for “failing to prevent the disclosure of confidential information”. It’s been said by others, but I think the worst part of the prank is that it was so poorly executed. It was reminiscent of the guys on The Dana Carvey Show, who thought they were pulling pranks, but really didn’t understand how to do it properly. In high school, I had a friend who used to call the America’s Most Wanted hotline, and tell them he knew where Adam Walsh was. That, also, wasn’t a “prank”, but it sure made more of an impact than whatever it was this kid was trying to do.
Meanwhile, everyone is wondering is legendary former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick is the victim of some kind of elder abuse. You see, he’s got this 24-year old girlfriend (He’s 73, by the way), and that’s not necessarily out of the ordinary for old, rich white guys. What is strange, however, is that it appears the girlfriend – Jordon Hudson – has appointed herself his media point person. The original story was that the two met on a flight, where she asked him to sign her textbook. In a recent, uncomfortable interview with CBS Sunday Morning, however, Hudson shut down questions about how they met. Meanwhile, she has seemingly changed a man who’s known for not being comfortable being in a non-football, public-facing capacity. She reportedly interrupted the interview several times, yet only one instance was left in the final edit.
What’s her game here? This doesn’t feel like the typical young “trophy girlfriend”. She seems conniving, strategic. Maybe that’s my own bias at play. I don’t trust the decision-making of anyone under the age of 25. Something is up, and folks are on the case!
Anyway, add these together with the Jane Doe revealed in the Shannon Sharpe case, as well as The Donald endorsing ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith for president, and I’ve got to say the American sports media had the West Week Ever.
